i get my paranoia from my grandmother

last night my grandmother called me.

this in itself is an event as i never talk to my grandmother outside of christmas and my birthday.


grandmother: i'm calling because i just heard about a group of women who carry pink glocks.
grandmother: that means guns, vix.

me: right, grandma.

grandmother: they have groups in new york and dc and i wanted to warn you about them.

me: thanks grandma.

grandmother: they are lesbians* and they are attacking random people on the street!

me: oh. good to know. thanks.

grandmother: you don't go out after dark, do you?

me: (thinking of all the times i stumble up my street drunk and disoriented) rarely, grandma.

grandmother: i never go out either. i get all my chores done after church.** people have no respect for the human body anymore.

me: they really don't.

grandmother: i hear the group also make ten-year-old girls join and turn them lesbians whether they want to or not.

me: oh?

grandmother: bill o'reilly was surprised he hadn't heard about them before.





i can't believe my grandmother is getting her information from bill o'reilly.


*honestly i'm surprised she knows the word. i grew up where it was called "an alternate lifestyle." it was years before i realized that they meant that someone was gay.

**my grandmother goes to church every morning.