:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Friday, September 28, 2007


some times work is just so awful you need to go out and get old school wasted...


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

36 days


there are only 36 days left until i leave...

i've been attempting to learn some egyptian arabic...
(for those times when freshmeat and i find ourselves in an egyptian prison)

unfortunately i haven't gotten very far.

i'm only on lesson 5 out of 30.

so now, when i'm in prison, i can say the following:

i am american.

i am not egyptian.

how are you?

where is abu sayid station, please?

i do not understand arabic well.

it's not going to be pretty.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

my new favorite drink

a raspberry ice tea* from gordon biersch

i sucked three of those down last night while celebrating the orphan's birthday.

so delicious...so deadly...so want another...

*Stolichnaya Razberi Vodka, Tanqueray Gin, Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum, Chambord Liqueur Royale and a splash of Sprite®.


Monday, September 24, 2007

inner monologue monday

while getting my hair cut and colored this past weekend...after my stylist said that we would make my hair darker...

it's just hair...i mean it will grow out...and if i hate, i'm coming back here in 5 weeks anyways...surely i can live with whatever he does for 5 weeks....WOW!!! that is dark....fuuuuuuck meeeeeeee....but it's okay....deep breaths....you know it's probably the color my hair would be if i still lived in california and never colored it...same color as my father's...then again he was sad the day the lady at the dmv told him he no longer had blonde hair and made him change his form...sigh....knowing my family i probably would have started lightening my hair if i was still in california...hmmm...actually it doesn't look too bad...i think he must be sensing my resistance as that's the third time he's told me that we can always lighten it if i hate it...i'm always up for change...so let's just see where this goes...it's just hair.

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! he just cut my bangs on the wrong side!


Friday, September 21, 2007

i now know what love is

yesterday i finally got my flat screen, larger-than-life, monitor.

it was love at first sight.

i know find myself stroking it and telling it how much i love it.

i do this in order to reassure the monitor it has found a good home with me.


Thursday, September 20, 2007

the sad progression of my morning...

YAY! it's saturday!

oh wait....it's only friday.

sonofawhore! it's freakin' thursday!


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

hush money

today was the day that our company hands out quarterly bonuses. as this is almost the end of the fiscal year, there was TONS of awards to be given out.

i know the real reason why i was given an award...and it has nothing to do with my work performance.

it's hush money.

is that going to stop me from spending it on shoes, my trip, and credit card debt?

absolutely not!


Monday, September 17, 2007

my inner monologues

staring in the mirror after three large vodka drinks

man...i look hot when i wear eyeliner...like really good...i really need to make a point to eyeliner all the time...and not just be lazy and wear the shadow liner...and those people at sephora said brown is better for me! ha! i look awesome in black...i wonder if doing a smokey eye at work is too much...probably...though i would look hot...but there's no one to look hot for...damn...i need a new job where there are more single men running around...then i probably wouldn't be lazy and wear eyeliner all the time.

the next morning...staring in the mirror after waking up

well, hell. if i insist on passing out with all my makeup on...thank goodness i don't have a significant other in my life...i look like trash...i wonder why only the lower lid is all smeared...what in the name of all that is holy am i doing to my face while i sleep...then again i did finally get a decent night sleep...probably something to do with all that vodka...then again i woke up in my pajamas so i couldn't have been THAT drunk...but drunk enough not to take off my makeup and ransack my room...hmmm...is eastenders on yet?


Friday, September 14, 2007

happy birthday to the person who made having meaningless sex possible

today in 1879 margaret sanger was born.

she would go on to defy certain laws forbidding distribution of birth control information and found what we now know as planned parenthood.

happy birthday, you old tart!



the last two nights have been filled with dreams about work.



Wednesday, September 12, 2007

i am full of hate

i just got out of a staff meeting.


it's not good.
i can barely get through the opening 5 minutes without wanting to bash some idiot's head in.

it gets worse when gfb starts to talk. i can't even look at her when she talks. all i hear is "whine, whine, whine. i do so much. why can't everything be easier. whine, whine, whine."

i. hate. her.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

august count

dear lord!

i rented 22 movies in the month of august.

this may be a sign of a real problem...or really bad summer television...

best rental of the month: blood and chocolate and water

rental that i would be embarrassed to admit i had watched: epic movie

rental that surprised me: waiting... and bridget jones: edge of reason


Monday, September 10, 2007

what every ex of mine has always feared...

me, with a gun


Friday, September 07, 2007

the new math

1/3 pitcher of margaritas + 2 beers + 4 sips of a martini = fucked up dreams


Thursday, September 06, 2007

the silver lining

i was having one shit-ass day.
then a coworker mentioned a miracle.

it's called A MARGARITA.

and there was much rejoicing.


Wednesday, September 05, 2007

why it's best to have conversations in my head

bossman: hey! someone is casual today.

me: it's casual thursday. didn't you know?*

*translation: i-got-my-period-last-night-and-now-i'm-all-bloated-and-fat-and-ugly-and-i-can't-get-into-any-of-my-clothes-you-bastard-and-if-you-say-one-more-thing-to-me-i'm-going-to-cut-you!


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

we are so going to die in the flames

today the company had a fire drill...that involved the public.

we have two people (called "fire marshals") within my department that are supposed to round us up and direct us to safety. once at the "meeting" area they are supposed to check that we all made it out. in addition, they are to wear orange vests and carry our emergency supplies (a bottle of water and granola bar).

our drill went something like this:

announcement made to evacuate the building.

i finished my e-mail and grabbed my bag.

met the coworkers in the lobby before heading downstairs.

someone had to remind the fire marshals to go get our emergency supplies.

one fire marshal declined to do so, saying it wasn’t important.

debate ensues on which stairs to use (we split up into two separate groups).

half of us gather at the designated meeting area...the other half at another meeting area (each with a different marshal).

neither of our fire marshals is wearing the orange vest, but EVERY OTHER marshal from another department is.

i'm so not going to make it out of a burning building