:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

One of the reasons why I'm going to New York

These are just a few reasons I’m taking my very first vacation this year.

I’m going to New York to visit this little guy and his mother (we were like BFF in college).

Those are the type of legs you want to pour bbq sauce on and eat them up!

So I leave tomorrow and won’t be back until October. I probably won’t post at all during that time, so try to keep the making fun of me down to the minimum. Thanks.

Please, please, please don't suck this season

In honor of the new season of The O.C. I’ve dug up the drinking game that I made for the very first season. Not all of it applies to the last season or probably this season. But it makes me nostalgic for the good ol’ days when I went running home in time for The O.C.

This is how it’s done in Orange County!
Welcome to the O.C., bitch!

Drink once
Every time a boy’s bare chest is shown
Every time a wife beater is shown
When someone makes a sarcastic remark (twice if it’s Seth)
When Sandy’s eyebrows rise up
When there’s shot of the beach
When there’s sexual tension between Jimmy and Kirsten
When Summer uses the word “friends” with Seth and Anna
Every time someone is shown wearing a swim suit
Every time Rachel hits on Sandy
Every time Ryan tilts his head
Every time Marissa wears something totally inappropriate or ugly
Every time Julie (a.k.a Lady Heather) is a bitch
Every time there are Latino or African-American characters or extras
Every time a surfboard makes an appearance
Every time “Random Drunk Blonde Girl” (RDBG) makes an appearance
Every time RDBG offers Seth and/or Ryan sex and/or drugs
Every time Oliver does something totally sketchy / slimy
Every time Kristen needs to drink to get through and event

Drink twice
Every time Summer says something bitchy
When there’s a shot of an anorexic girl
When Seth wears a collared / polo shirt
When there’s a formal event (tie and jacket or black tie)
Every time there’s a shot of the big house
Every time the lemon / lime display is shown
Every time Sandy and Kristen argue about Caleb
Every time there’s a break-up
Every time servants of any kind make an appearance
Every time there is a mention of water polo
Every time there are authentic shots of Orange County
When RDBG gets a name

Drink three times
Every time the police, sec, etc. are shown
Every time Ryan and / or Seth come home drunk
Every time someone is cheating (any sort of infidelity counts)
Every time Captain Oats makes an appearance or has a reference
Every time Caitlin (Marissa’s sister) makes an appearance
Every time Seth does or says something involving videogame or comic book geekery

Drink four times
Every time there’s a shout out to Miss M (references include: Long Beach, Seal Beach, Huntington Beach, and others as she sees fit)

I’ve made my virgin sacrifice that this season doesn’t blow donkey balls, how about you?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How to Disengage the Enemy a.k.a. Stop Touching Me!

Remember (for those of you with siblings) how on some car trips your sibling would be pissing you off, poking you, and getting on your side of the backseat? So you would draw an invisible line and basically tell them that if they crossed over it you would beat the living snot out of them? (that can’t have been just me)

But how does one tell that to an overnight guest??

At first I thought how sweet, he wants to cuddle. But then my neck and back started to ache so I tried to move away only for him to come and find me. I was chased all over that bed. This morning I’m exhausted and sore from cuddling. STOP TOUCHING ME! is what I want to scream the next time he moves in my direction. But there must be a much gentler way to say this without sounding like a coldhearted whore.

And yes, I’ve tried the infamous “Hug and Roll Away” method. It doesn’t work on this one.

Maybe I can try drawing a line down the middle of the bed...

Monday, September 19, 2005

Oh. Sweet. Goodness.

Has anyone read this crap?

I thought I was going to vomit after reading:
So I'm in love with "Sweet Kisses"...

Yet, it's like a bad Lifetime movie...I can't turn away from the train wreck...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Never, ever should anyone stuff their face with a chili dog and cheese fries and THEN go to bed...

...unless you enjoy really bizarre dreams.

Dream #1: I dreamt about people I saw last night at the Blogger Happy Hour. It was not pretty. I really don't want to repeat what certain people were doing or saying. Some of you are dirrrty birds.

Dream #2: (back story: I haven't mention this before but I live in a shithole apartment run by some property manager that probably doesn't care. About a month ago a leak started in my bathroom ceiling (it only happens for a few minutes each day). I had yet to receive a copy of my lease so I had no idea who to call about this. Luckily rent was due the next day, so I included a note with rent check because I (mistakenly) thought that would get to them. A month went by and nothing. So I had my LawyerFriend craft me a well-worded e-mail that listed my demands (copy of my lease, a deadbolt on my balcony door that works, a latch or handle on my screen door, and fix the leak). I still have the leak.)

So last night's dream was about how the kitchen was leaking in several spots and filling up all my pots and pans with water as I was frantically running around trying to keep my things from getting wet. I woke up with such anxiety I had to check my kitchen ceiling just to be sure.

Dream #3: It involved secret agents and saving the world...don't want to embarrass myself too much with more details.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Title of Tonight's Date Is...

Frisk Me, Baby!

The long awaited first date with PoliceOfficer is happening tonight.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Office Poetry

This was sent to my ENTIRE agency via e-mail:

As mysteriously as the step stool disappeared, it has now reappeared.  Whoever borrowed it, many thanks for returning it to me.

To the mysterious borrower, the following is to be sung to the tune of “These Boots Were Meant for Walking”:

                        These wheels were meant for rolling
                        Rolling, Rolling back to me

                        As step-stool rolled on a joy-ride
                        Throughout the (blank) offices
                        One step ahead of all
                        Step-stool disappeared

                        These wheels were meant for rolling
                        Rolling, Rolling back to me

                        The law books became unreachable
                        Step-stool hiding somewhere
                        A mystery to us all
                        Of where, of where can you be               

                        These wheels were meant for rolling
                        Rolling, Rolling back to me

                        And as it was meant to be
                        Step-stool rolled back to me
                        Reunited once more
                        To aid in my reach                                            

                        These wheels were meant for rolling
                        Rolling back to me

Thanks again to the mysterious borrower.

who says nothing gets done around here?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Things to never buy off the street

I don't think I would EVER purchase underwear from an ad off the street....

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Breathalyzer for my cell phone

So I meet up with my friend K last night for A drink...but that quickly turned into THREE pitchers of sangria.

The decision for each one went as followed:
k: are you going to order sangria?
(sangria was the happy hour special)
m: oh yeah.
k: then let's get a pitcher.
m: okay.

k: feel like another one?
m: totally.

k: soooo...should we get one more?
m: is it wrong that I think we totally should?
k: absolutely not!

at this point we had shamed the two guys next to us by our drinking skills.

and it was at this point (beginning of the third pitcher) that I was every so slightly tipsy enough to start the dreaded drunk texting...which was followed up by drunk dialing.

Final tally:
drunk text messages to TheChild: 1
drunk text messages to PoliceOfficer: 6
drunk phone calls to TheChild: 1
drunk phone calls to PoliceOfficer: 1 (and I didn't remember that one until he called me today to say that he's sorry that he missed my call as drunk phone calls are always amusing...)

I'm SO pretty.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

In the voice of Comic Book Guy

Worse. Date. Ever.
I know it doesn't seem possible. But I think I found the winner.
This jackass doesn't even deserve the effort to think up a nickname for.

So we meet up for an early dinner. He is totally hotter online than in person...but I try to be a slightly less superficial person than usually and hope for the best. I notice that he doesn't seem to have the wit and sparkle I noticed in our e-mails. Turns out he was out on a date the night before and was still hungover. Okay. Thanks. Do I need any more details? NO! But of course he goes on to give me all sorts of details, such as the fact that they decided that it would be hilarious to bring a blow-up doll with them to the bar (they decided this sober). But the sex shop's dolls were too expensive so they ended up with an inflatable cow (yes, the sex shop sells a variety of inflatable barn animals. I'll let your imagination go.). They then wrote "COWS GONE WILD" on it. He then tells me how he had to take her home as she was soooo drunk.

At this point I'm checking my watch trying to decide how long I need to hang out to be polite. I should also point out that the conversation was dull and painful. It's now been an hour and dinner is over and paid for (he insisted on paying). I thought that maybe he just needed a few drinks to make him stop being so boring. So I took him to my favorite bar in my neighborhood. Over the course of the evening we drank close to THREE pitchers. I was drinking like it was water, and I keep refilling his glass before it got empty so he wouldn't realize how much he was drinking. Let me back up to say that as soon as I got to the bar I texted a friend who lived nearby to come and help liven up this guy (she was camping and didn't get my message until the next day). The conversation goes on and on about other dates he's been on and why he's dating so much lately (anniversary of a bad breakup). Did I mention this was painful?

I'm basically putting out all these "not interested in you" vibes.

I then proceeded to call another friend twice from the bathroom to complain about the date (I was a bit tipsy at this point). At one point I decide that I should see what TheChild was up to. So I basically scheduled a hook up via text message underneath the table while I continue to out drink the jackass across from me.

So when it comes time to settle up, he asks if we can split the bill. I take this to mean that ALL my sarcasm and "you blow" signals worked. We leave and I tell him I'm going home. He says that he's going to another bar (on his own). Next thing I know he's KISSING me (ew!!). I said "got to go" and darted out into traffic as fast as my high heels would let me.

TheChild showed up not too much later to help savage the rest of the evening.

Jackass called me twice the next day. I ignored both calls. He then e-mails me this long e-mail talking about all the "fun" I missed my not going with him (it involves a guy punching a drunk, the cops and him running down the guy, and Jose Guillen shaking his hand).

So the question is: should I write him back a nice and tactful "get lost" e-mail or can I do what many a young man has done before and just ignore him (or is that asking for bad karma?)??

Thursday, September 01, 2005

What happens when two friends split a bottle of wine...

...we discuss important matters, such as:

cooterology: the study of the deterioration of the crotch of your underwear (test case: does the 6-pack from target outlast the victoria's secrets?)

frosted shredded wheat: the naughty version of grape nuts