:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Friday, March 31, 2006

Yes, I have worn this shirt 3 times this week.
And other things I don't give two shits about.

  • The urgency of any project today.
    It's Friday afternoon! How much work can really be done on it?!

  • Your sick child.
    I really don't care that she is sick and how she has now made you sick. Go ahead and cough on me. I could use a day off from this place.

  • How cold our office space is.
    I'm so full right now from stuffing my face at lunch, that nothing else matters to me but that I don't vomit it all up again.

  • That your name isn't listed on a project that's one of MANY on the schedule that I sent out Company-wide.
    No one is reading the schedule except the people who are looking to see if their names are on it. No one cares.
  • Thursday, March 30, 2006

    Example of how idiocy isn't limited to my department

    E-mail I sent to another department regarding breakdown memo of inventory being received:
    Attached is the breakdown per department (one as a word doc and one as a pdf). Hardcopy along with the Order Forms will be sent to IdiotOfficeManager's attention via interoffice mail.
    Mixin Vixen

    Response I received from IdiotOfficeManager:
    I expect you have put the Order Forms in the mail to me for this inventory?

    The response I wanted to send:
    Didn't you read your fucking e-mail?!?

    The response I did send:
    Sure did.

    Wednesday, March 29, 2006

    Best quotes from last night

    (at Tapatinis for a friend's birthday celebration)

    BirthdayGirl: Anyone want my cherry??
    the rest of her group's heads exploded from the number of dirty responses each of us where thinking.
    (in reference to the cherry in her sour apple martini)

    ConcernedFriend: I think you should have a little food.
    BirthdayGirl: Um, well, I think I'm okay.
    Me: Dude, you are totally fine. You're about to have your third martini, and we ALL know that three martinis equal one appetizer.

    Tuesday, March 28, 2006

    It's hard being a girl.
    And thanks to Sephora, it's also really expensive.

    I spent three hundred thirty-four dollars AND 70 CENTS on makeup and brushes!!


    But I look hot. So that's all that matters, right?

    And those brushes, they are a one-time purchase.

    And they are quality.

    So really, I needed them.

    Monday, March 27, 2006

    The Dirrrty List

    Here's the List that Kbean & Co. created for my Dirrrty Thirrty.

    Special thanks to Kbean, Megtern, Vanalicious, DCSC, and Chanuck for helping me complete a good portion of this list.

    1. Do a nip-slip. um, not going to happen.
    2. Write your name in lipstick on a boy's stomach. done. thanks Megtern for the scarifical lip gloss!
    3. Get a business card from someone with their shoe size.
    4. Use the word "poonannylicious" when talking to a guy. done...though Chanuck had no idea what I was trying to say
    5. Flirt with the most unfortunate guy at the bar.
    6. Do a body shot off a guy. done--twice. thanks Vanalicious for nabbing the guy and sweet talking into letting me do that to him...twice.
    7. Talk about your 34 cats and their hilarious hijinks. done and done
    8. Let Kbean buy a shot of her choice. done, but I can't remember what it was...
    9. Introduce all of your friends to a guy with fake names. done, but it was hard. you try coming up with names for everyone without hesitating.
    10. Get a guy to buy you a shot. done. thanks VodkaMan.

    11. Demand a screaming orgasm. done while pounding my fists on the table
    12. Talk to a boy in pig latin. done, but with difficulty.
    13. Dance on an elevated surface. not going to happen...for everyone's safety.
    14. Order a Shirley Temple. Then ask to spike it.
    15. Follow up: if they have that, ask for milk. Spiked.
    16. Introduce yourself as Elle and say you're in law school.
    17. Pretend to have something alive (pet?) in your purse.
    18. Take a body shot. it's been scratched off, but I don't recall doing one.
    19. Convince a boy you're a Scientologist. all I know about Scientology I learned on South Park.
    20. Follow up: Ask if wants a free stress test.

    21. Ask a boy what his favorite animal is and tell him that you like hippos. done. was this a gw reference? I totally missed that.
    22. Convince a boy you have an implant part (calf, bicep, etc.)
    23. Approach a guy chanting the Lost numbers. scary that Chanuck and Kbean knew them.
    24. Lick someone's navel it's not checked off, but doesn't it count when I did the body shot off the guy and I had to slurp if off his stomach??
    25. Procure a guy's underwear.
    26. Smack a guy's ass. done and done
    27. Do a drink with "bomb" in the name. done. thanks VodkaMan for my very first jaeger bomb!
    28. Steal a glass from the bar. um, done.
    29. Pretend your performing fellatio on a straw. couldn't do this without laughing.
    30. Get your last gratuitous sexual experience of your 20s. um, yeah. didn't happen.

    A good way to start off the birthday...

    Thanks to that girl for her dedication to making me feel loved at the work place!

    (yes, that small hole is what i work in...and yes, the desk is ALWAYS covered with shit.)

    Best Quote from the Weekend

    Kbean: Let's get you some shots!!
    Me: Shots are so passé.
    Kbean: Really??!?!?
    Me: Um, no.

    at Millie & Al's for my Fourth Annual 24th Birthday in reference to my "Dirty Thirty" scavenger hunt list. list to be posted later today.

    Friday, March 24, 2006

    I read the entire April issue of Jane magazine this morning

    Why? Because I spent the morning at Bang Salon getting...bangs (or banged).

    I felt especially motivated after I saw a fellow blogger's great cut and highlight job.

    So I got a new haircut (Mark took about 5 inches off) and I went back to the color God and California wanted me to have.

    And while I am trying to get used to have bangs in my eyes again (the last time I had bangs I was teasing them), I do think Mark did an amazing job! The color is definitely blonde, which is also throwing me off. But so far everyone's been really gentle with me and say that it looks great.

    And the best part of all of this?? It was A $35 HAIRCUT! I've never had a haircut so cheap! They usually run me about $60. I was in shock...which may have been why I didn't pick up on the fact that Mark was expecting his tip until he walked away in a huff. And when I went back to his station to give him his WELL-DESERVED tip, he was no where to be seen. I really hopes he realizes the cash I left behind was for him. GOD, I hope he does!

    yes, this was taken in the worse lighting ever: the women's restroom (notice the feminine product dispenser on the right). But it gives you an idea of what it looks like now.

    Thursday, March 23, 2006

    When you know the English language is going downhill

    When the Gran Fromage uses "cuz" in an e-mail to you.

    What's the point of e-mail if you keep on fucking talking to me?!?!

    Situation: HigherUp e-mails myself and the Lazy (Nasty) Whore for TheGoldenChild's* e-mail address. I response TO ALL with the e-mail address.

    40 minutes later.

    LW: Did you respond to HigherUp's request?
    me: Um, yeah. Didn't you open up my e-mail?
    LW: Oh.
    [my computer bings and I see an e-mail informing me that the LW just opened my e-mail]

    MYGOD! How I HATE her!!! Why can't she just open up her e-mails and find out what's going? Why does she insist on asking me?! I bet she's the type of person who asks what's in a gift before opening it.

    Stupid cow.

    hmmm....maybe my sugar levels are low and I just need a cookie.

    *TheGoldenChild was the previous FrontDeskPerson. She seemed to able to do no wrong in anyone's eyes, and she put up with LW's shit. She's left to go pursue a master's but she was able to convince the Gran Fromage to let her freelance for us. Now don't get me wrong, I like this person. I just think it's complete and utter bullshit how some people bend over backwards for her.

    Wednesday, March 22, 2006

    Maybe It's Time for Me to Clear Off My Desk

    I seriously could do a daily posting about the stupidity that the Lazy Whore (LW) shows me everyday.

    Like the time she announced that she always wanted to get into making films, but that it was too expensive. She really wants "to make films about the Gays and Lesbians. They have problems just like us!" (this from the woman who was disgusted at the thought of two men kissing in Brokeback Mountain)

    But this one incident stands out in my mind.

    About a week or so ago, the LW starts talking to me (as a rule of thumb I keep my headphones on at work due to her incessant talking and the Michael Bolton Lookalike's [MBLA] loud talking). I take off the headphones and she starts to ramble on how there are "black 'deposits'" on her desk. Being the daughter of an exterminator, I take the practical route and say "you mean mouse droppings." She gets this disgusted look on her face like I just said something that was 10 shades of nasty (listen, honey YOU are the one with the droppings on YOUR desk!). Then MBLA jumps into the conversation and takes a look at it. LW starts to whine about it. My tolerance level has been reached and I go back to ignoring them both.

    Later, a guy comes up and takes a look at the droppings, confirms that they are indeed mouse droppings, and takes a sample. LW asks if it's because she eats lunch at her desk. The guy said that wasn't an issue at all and that there are a few areas in the building with mouse problems (my guess would be the PILES AND PILES of paper she has on her desk...though I can't point fingers as I have piles as well. at least I don't have mouse droppings). Housekeeping came and disinfected her desk.

    I then spend the rest of the day listening to the LW tell EVERY ONE of her friends (via phone and the plethora of men that stop by to chat her up) about her problem and how it's probably because she had curry chicken the day before (Jaysus! The guy said it wasn't because you eat lunch at your desk! SHUT UP!).

    About quitting time, the exterminator shows up (LW has left by this point) and announces that the droppings proved to be REALLY OLD. At least 3-4 months old.

    DISGUSTING!!! That means that they have been on her desk and she JUST NOW noticed them.

    After I vomited, I directed him to her desk and proceeded to e-mail my coworkers with an update on the mouse situation.

    My very witty coworker wrote back:
    "Nice. I guess it really is the same old shit."

    Word, brother. Word.

    Tuesday, March 21, 2006

    I have the shakes, people!!

    So, I admit it.
    I adore tv.
    I {heart} tv.

    I use tv as a way to have noise on in my apartment when I read.
    I use tv as a way to calm me when I think the boogey man is underneath my bed or in my closet.
    I use tv as a way to mock the idiots out there who think they are hot shit and go on tv shows.

    TV and I are good friends.

    The free cable went out the Thursday evening before I left for NY. I didn't panic as this has happened from time to time but the cable always pops back on in a few hours or the next day.

    I left for NY with the knowledge that once I returned cable would up and running and I would be back to watching Real World, Big Love, and Grey's Anatomy to my heart's content.

    I came back and the cable was still dead.

    I sorta panicked.

    Big time.

    But I still had my trusty dvd player. So I can watch all my favorite movies and shows until I decide if I should sell my soul pay for digital cable.

    Friday night: TheChattyCathy came over and watched a movie on my dvd. While we were watching the movie, he JUST had to adjust my tv as he couldn't see it all that well. Next thing I knew my tv screen went blank.

    And my pants became dirty.

    Wires were tighten.
    Plugs were repluged.
    Manuals were searched for high and low.

    To no avail.
    My dvd player AND my cable are DEAD!!!

    oh GOD, the shakes are coming back!
    Help meeeeeee!

    Monday, March 20, 2006

    Fresh Meat

    So today we get our next installment of the Front Desk Person. This person is affectionately know as The Office Bitch.

    This poor person has no idea the trials that lay ahead for her. For not only will she be The Office Bitch, but she will become the Lazy Whore's Special Bitch. Being the LWSB is what caused the last person to leave.

    I bet the new person only last 6 months.

    Well, maybe more if she has a spine and tells the Gran Fromage what the real deal with just how lazy the Lazy Whore can be.

    Friday, March 17, 2006

    Oh. Crap.

    So apparently everyone in the production part of my department either took the day off or left early.

    This means that I'M IN CHARGE!!!

    weep for the masses, people. weep.

    Thursday, March 16, 2006

    Am I just looking for faults?

    Okay, I received an e-mail from TheChattyCathy that asks for a date for APRIL 12TH! That's REALLY far in advance considering the fact that tonight will be our SECOND date.

    I asked Kbean her opinion about it and she broke it down for me like this:

    * He realizes you have an incredibly busy social calendar and is trying to get in.
    * He really likes you and is testing you to see if you're interested.
    * Variation: he wants to get you a fantastic birthday present but needs to know you're interested (okay, that one's a bit of a stretch).
    * He's a planner.  Maybe he's an evite fan too?
    * This is his favorite event and he wants to share it with you because you seem very cool.

    * Doesn't he want to make sure that the witty banter isn't just the result of one too many jello shots?
    * People in Arkansas get married in a month (or on Christiancafe...).
    * He's really desperate for a girlfriend and is locking you in.
    * He's a total sleezeball who knows that implied commitment makes girls put out.
    * He doesn't have any friends to go with him so he needs to coerce pseudo strangers.

    The event is MotherTongue (description below).
    For more than seven years, the Black Cat has hosted MotherTongue, a monthly women's spoken word event.Occurringg on the second Wednesday of each month, MotherTongue provides a safe space where all women may speak freely and powerfully and have their creative and artistic voices heard.

    Tuesday, March 14, 2006

    "I thought I might be gay. But it turns out that it was just him, and not me."

    best quote of the weekend

    I've had an amazing time this weekend with DCSC and her friends. Highlights include: all day shopping at Century 21, bar hopping, and New T-Shirt Day.

    More details to come and photos on Thursday when I return.

    TheChattyCathy Update: he sent me a drunk e-mail after leaving me last Thursday. Two words: HILARIOUS and SERIOUSLY incoherent. He texts me Saturday night as I proceed to drink more and more and more (which, fyi, is never pretty when i have a cell phone in my hand). He calls me Sunday to ask for Date #2, which will be this Thursday. All in all, I'm liking a guy who is so about keeping in touch. I almost don't know what to do with him.

    Friday, March 10, 2006

    Title of Last Night's Date

    The Drought is Over
    I Make Men Bleed

    Stats: 30, from Tennessee, coaches college debate, wicked sense of humor
    Nickname: TheChattyCathy

    We did one of my usual first dates date (I prefer getting just drinks for first dates at either Lauriol Plaza or Millie & Al's). We drank pitchers of Miller Lite, had some jell-o shots, and mocked karaoke singers.

    We were entertained first by the Miller Lite Girls and then later by the Heineken Lite Girls (and Guy). The Heineken people had this "airplane" theme where the women were dressed as flight attendants in vinyl, white knee-high boots and green dresses (they passed out free samples of the beer and cashews) and the guy was dressed as a pilot (he gave me some wings).

    Conversation: when he arrived he was kind of a spaz with LOTS of chattering. I think it was nerves. There was never a lull in the conversation, and he's as funny in person as his e-mails are. The only thing I realized (this morning) is that we really didn't do the whole getting to know you stuff (i.e. "Here's my resume. Where's yours?").

    Highlight of the date was when some random girl sat down next to me and started eating some fries off of TheChattyCathy's plate (she did ask if it's okay as her hand was on it's way to the fries). Doesn't say any other words to us and just leaves.

    Low point of the evening when he tried to pin the wings on me and instead totally cut his finger up. He is a bleeder! Blood was everywhere.

    The Kiss: surprisingly good. I've gotten more than my fair share of drunken kisses and they are usually not pretty. AT. ALL.

    How we ended it: I'm calling him when I get back from New York.

    Wednesday, March 08, 2006

    I have a box a day habit

    Damn you, delicious cookies!

    Thank sweet Jaysus I only have 3 more boxes to eat my way through.

    And no, I don't share.

    Monday, March 06, 2006

    Baby Showers. Why Don't Men Have to Suffer with Us?

    (question posed by my very good friend on Saturday after a shower of a good friend's wife.)

    Don't get me wrong. I totally get it. Having your first child and you need STUFF. Stuff you never thought you would need. And if you don't have stuff that is handed down to you from siblings and what-have-you, then a shower is the perfect time to get stuff.

    I totally get it.


    If I have to "ooh" and "ahh" over receiving blankets and breast pumps, I better have some strong drinks or at least interesting conversation to get me through it.

    Friday, March 03, 2006


    "Great. Now I'm going to have to wet my ass down."

    Coworker commenting on the fact that she has something on the back of her pants that won't come off.

    Thursday, March 02, 2006

    I'm such a Klass Act

    So yesterday after work I decided to stock up on the lean cuisine sale going on at the Un-Safeway. But alas, all my favorites were gone! And the sale only started yesterday!


    So I decided to indulge the cravings I've been having for the last week.

    I gave the cashier quite a story to share with his coworkers.

    I walked away with only Kripsy Kreme Chocolate Kreme Filled Donuts, Edy's Slow Churned Cookies 'N Cream Ice Cream, feminine products, and The Economist.

    No hiding anything from the Safeway cashier.

    Perhaps I have too much time on my hands...

    Does anyone else think the melody of the chorus from T-Pain's I'm N Luv (Wit A Stripper) sounds eerily like Barry Manilow's Mandy?

    Listen to T-Pain's song here.
    She poppin she rollin she rollin
    She climbin that pole and
    I'm N Luv with a stripper
    She trippin she playin she playin
    I'm not goin nowhere girl I'm stayin
    I'm N Luv with a stripper

    Listen to Barry Manilow here.
    Oh Mandy well,
    you came and you gave without taking,
    but I sent you away.
    Oh, Mandy well,
    kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
    and I need you today. Oh, Mandy!

    seriously. is it just me?

    Wednesday, March 01, 2006

    Yeah, I still watch Real World. Yeah, I don't care if that makes you think less of me.

    While living in my group house, watching Real World became a bonding experience for my roommates and me. We would sit there and mock and judge the idiots on that show. But when I moved out on my own I quickly realized that mocking people out loud while you are alone is not so fun. So I really didn't watch the last season.

    But this time, I decided to give it another go.
    Here are my thoughts. And yes, I love to judge.

    Paula: stop drinking so much and then crying!! people don't like emotional drunks. and get some help about your eating problems.

    Janelle: I think you may be cool, but HOLY CRAP! can you pull the stick out of your ass when you first meet people?

    John: I love you already even though you are totally a frat boy. I think it's because you brought Judy, your blowup doll with you.

    Jose: ggrrrr, baby.

    Svetlana: ugh. please, please don't turn into that girl that has to have all the male attention on her even though she already has a boyfriend. please!

    Tyler: dude, I love that you are a gossip whore. LOVE IT!

    Zach: pbbbfffttt. stop flirting with everything that moves. it causes drama.

    The task this season: open and run a Mystic Tanning Salon.