:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


(tapas + martinis = tapatinis)

i've been there twice and i feel the need to sing its praises.

i've gone for a thursday happy hour ($5 martinis; $4 bottled beers) and enjoyed the nice selection of drinks.

but last night's specials (half price martinis) TOTALLY ROCKED MY WORLD.

most of the martinis were about $3 (exceptions was the raspberry [$3.50] and watermelon [$2.27]). none of the drink prices are listed so this was a pleasant surprise.

everyone sampled everyone's drinks and here's my review of them:

tropical pineapple: tasty, but a bit sweet by the time i drained my glass
watermelon: tastes just like a jolly rancher
raspberry: strong but tastes like Dimetapp
honeydew melon: holy crap! it tasted just like a honeydew melon! a bit strong though
peach: tasted like peach schnapps
sour apple: nice and light; tasty

you can now find me there most tuesday evenings!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Gangsters and Thugs

you know when you hear a song and you start to sing just one refrain over and over again...and then you actually listen to what you are singing and decide that perhaps it's not the best thing to keep singing at work.

i've been singing a bit from The Transplants Gangsters and Thugs.

Some of my friends sell records,
Some of my friends sell drugs

(i'm so pretty...thank sweet goodness my review was yesterday.)

Monday, November 28, 2005

this will go on your permanent record

so today, at 10:30, is my annual performance review (not to be confused with my mid-year review).

normally i feel nauseated by the thought of having to go and get "graded" on how i did this past fiscal year (seriously there's a point system and it goes on our permanent record). but this year i feel nothing. probably has to do with the fact that at my mid-year review i was told that they aren't going to promote me or give me a raise so what do i want to do with my life.

so i'll get the exact same speech i've been getting for the last 4 years.
1. you are doing a great job.
2. everyone loves working with you.
3. no one has anything bad to say about you.
4. i need you to be more proactive with the outside vendors. (no matter what i do i always get this one)

p.s. - Grey's Anatomy did not make me cry this week!

Friday, November 25, 2005

from the mouths of babes

lazy whore brought in her 5-year old today.
i wouldn't mind except that they are 5 feet from me.

but they are having some amusing conversation...

daughter: do you have a bathroom?
lazy whore: yes
daughter: for reeeeeal?? you go, mommy.

i've never heard anyone so happy for another person.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

oh. sweet. goodness.

the lazy whore is watching OPRAH!

and this is after she told the staff assistant that she is going to ask for a raise during her performance review because she has to take on more work once the staff assistant leaves (January 6th) and before we hire the replacement.

the bitch must die.

annual roll around in your own filth day

thanksgiving has never been a big deal for me. sure, when i was younger i was all about stuffing as many olives into my adorable mouth as possible. but once i was in college and away from the crazies that make up my family, i made the decision that i get enough crazy to last me all year at christmas time, why torture myself and go a month early so i can get an extra helping??

so i instituted Roll Around in Your Own Filth Day.

the rules are simple.

1. do not for any reason get out of your pajamas.

2. do not shower (exception to this rule is when you went out the night before and can't stand to smell the smoke/bar/boy/girl that seemed to have come back with you. so shower and get back in pajamas.)

3. do not eat anything that can be somehow construed as "good for you."

4. only the microwave can be used to heat up any food that you have purchased beforehand (i usually go with pizza).

5. watch A LOT of t.v. try to find a marathon of one t.v. show (such as Murder, She Wrote and CSI)

6. eat dessert early and often

7. call the family in the evening once you can't fit another bite in (this works in my favor as all my family is out west and by the time they are up and fixing their meal, i'm actually ready for some human interaction).

8. nap

my meal for tomorrow consists of the following:
pizza (purchased from pizza hut tonight)
breadsticks (courtesy of pizza hut)
chocolate pie (normally i go with cheesecake but i was feeling chocolate pie this year)
caramel delight ice cream
cookies 'n' cream ice cream (it was buy one, get one free. i couldn't resist it)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

don't make me hate you...

so the trash cans in my apartment building are on the outside near the rear of the building near the alley (there's no trash chute). to get there, i can either go down via the fire escape (leaving the hall door open) or go down to the basement (and leave that hall door open).

i never go to them at dark because of the rat problem that Adams Morgan is infamous for as well as it's dark, creepy, and goodness only knows who else down there.

so this weekend i was taking ALL my trash and recyclables out (the daylight savings thing throws me off and it's too dark to take the trash out by the time i get home and i never remember to take it out before i leave for work in the morning). i pass a neighbor in the hall, with my arms full of trash bags. i open the door to the fire escape and carefully make my way down. i start walking toward the rear of the building only to hear my neighbor say hello to me. i glance at her, say hello, and proceed to make my way back to the trash cans.

i come back to the fire escape only to realize that THE BITCH HAD CLOSED THE DOOR on me. the door automatically locks and as far as i can tell no one has a key to open it from the outside. slow panic sets in as i desperately try my keys on the off chance they work. then i go to the basement door and try as well. now, the panic has convinced me that climbing over the fire escape to reach my balcony could work...but only if i hadn't locked my screen door (doh!). and that's when i noticed that the front gate that keeps the drunk element from coming and peeing outside our windows hadn't been locked (and probably hasn't been locked for ages). thank sweet goodness.

all i'm saying is the whore saw me with the trash bags and knew i lived there, so WHY THE BLOODY HELL WOULD YOU CLOSE THE DOOR ON ME?!?!

she's dead to me now.

Friday, November 18, 2005

how to make yourself feel stupid

Thanks to Tara for pointing out this geography quiz.

I used to totally rock geography. I could totally tell you were all the countries were. Not any more...I really need to brush up on my geography of Southeastern Europe! I only scored an 83/111.


Thursday, November 17, 2005

I heart Bo!

So one of my secret loves is the Dukes of Hazzard. My sister and I used to watch it when we were little and even then I knew I would grow up boy-crazy, because at age 6 I had found my one true love in the form of Bo Duke (the hotter of the two cousins).

So they are showing reruns of the show on the Country Music Television at 7 and 11, and this week it’s all about “love is in the air.”

Well, last night’s episode was about an oil baron’s only daughter who wanted to marry this guy who was “just a farmer.” As you can predict, oil baron daddy isn’t too thrilled about this and sends his precious on an around-the-world cruise which is due to set sail from Miami. He sends two goons to protect his precious during the drive there. As you can guess the car overheats…where? In Hazzard County! The girl uses a distraction to escape the car and hide in the Duke Boys’ car. And the adventure begins!

Highlights of the show include Daisy whoring the girl up in a pair of short-shorts and a top that barely covers her boobs; oil baron daddy and Uncle Jesse having a heart-to-heart about who loves who more; Bo and Luke driving Daisy’s car off a cliff; Daisy (in high heels) chasing Luke and Bo around the yard with a frying pan; oil baron daddy accepting just-a-farmer as a son-in-law; and oil barron daddy giving Daisy a new jeep by the name of “Dixie.”

It was just awesome.

jell-o shot recipe of the week

these are usually a hit with many people (and who doesn't like saying "woo woo").

Woo Woo Shots

* Two small boxes (or one large) cranberry Jell-O
* One cup boiling water
* One-half cup Vodka
* Add a dash of Peach Schnapps (either a shots-worth or a tablespoon would do)

(i usually increase the vodka to about 1 cup. otherwise what's the point?)

for non-jello form i would suggest getting woo woo shots at millie & al's...they are usually part of the nightly special.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

"terracotta is the new neutral"

i seriously had someone say that me, while wearing my orange shirt at work.

the shirt is orange (i was feeling daring in my black-gray-white work-world). not terracotta. that's something that laurie from trading spaces would call orange.

but since when do we talk about the "new neutral?"
i mean i'm TOTALLY down with the "new black" (orange was the new black one season many, many years ago). but the "new neutral" sounds hella lame.

just saying...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i'm drunk

okay...maybe not drunk...but definitely buzzzzzzed.

i love when work includes drinks at lunch....especially when the boss pours them.

oh. sweet. goodness.

the lazy whore just stunk up the entire area with the most foul-smelling breakfast the human race has ever known.

it smells like the vitamins (liquid syrup form) and other healthy stuff (i.e. cod liver oil) my mother would cram down my throat as a child.

i. hate. her.
(the lazy whore, not my mother)

the part about "stank ho-dogs" makes me giggle

this craigslist missed connection makes me want to giggle (i can't wait to add "stank ho-dogs" to my next conversation).

at least even if you do suck her man, she has a car and jewels to keep her company.

Monday, November 14, 2005

nothing starts your day off right like...

...seeing someone vomit on the subway.

that non-fat milk was already making me feel slightly ill...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

just vomited a little in my mouth

i think some of you know of my obession with Blaire, her quest for true love, and her site.

Now she has a T-SHIRT!
"Do you know my husband?"

you know you want it...

moxie wrote a bit about it here. please read the comments...they are truly hilarious!

my favorites include:
-"Do you know my husband.... is he inflatable and requires batteries?"
-"Why I'm single: It's not an option, it's not a choice - it's Darwin at his best."
-"Sperm Fear Me"
-"Do like insane chicks? Try me on for size!"

on a random note please check out these amazing party tricks that were posted on the DCDramaGrrls site. it makes me want to do bad things to people.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

best. sausages. ever.

i had such an awesome time this past weekend.

it had beer, jell-o shots, grilled meat, more beer, lots of sun, stupid people acting like idiots, Cheryl's Chalets, a lust-worthy hottie, and the Double TT Diner.

most of my pictures came out looking like ass because our seats were facing the sun (but the seats were SO close to the field thanks to dcsc). but i got one or two decent shots of the parachuters and the march on the field.

later that evening we went out to a couple of annapolis bars, but i think the sun zapped most of our energy. nothing crazy and/or wild happened. i spent the end of the evening as the only female at a table of boys. and we ALL know what boys talk about...i don't think there was a girl at the last bar that wasn't commented or looked over in some way. i believe dclc is going to talk about his "wall of flesh" soon.

Make sure to ask dcsc about the drunk Canadians.

and the best part was the AMAZING breakfast. the sausage was out of control! i would totally go back there just for another taste of their big, fat sausage.


Monday, November 07, 2005

q: what would you consider high-class porn?

a: something with a plot...and, um, i dunno know, set in space?
or a forest.
maybe a castle??

pictures and other highlights from my weekend coming at you tomorrow.

Friday, November 04, 2005

oh. sweet. goodness.

the lazy whore across from me has been talking on the phone with her friend for the last 1/2 hour and just broke out into an all-time favorite Snoop song. twice.

i think she's saying it's time to get high.

jell-o shot recipe of the week

Pop the Cherry Jell-o shooters
1 small box of cherry jell-o
3 oz vodka
3 oz cherry brandy
6 oz of water
1 small jar of maraschino cherries (with stems)

Allow the jell-o to set in the refrigerator until it has firmed a bit. then add the cherries into the mix by pushing them in one by one with your index finger. set back in the refrigerator and allow it to firm up . the stems should be sticking out of the top.

i've had varying degrees of success with this one. sometimes i wait too long to stick the cherries in...other times not long enough. but there is just too much fun to be had in passing these around at a party [insert popped cherry joke here].

Thursday, November 03, 2005


...so sleepy in fact I forgot to bring in this week's Jell-o Shot Recipe!

So be on the lookout for "Pop Your Cherry" jell-o shots tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

how to get old-school wasted off of two drinks...

...and pass out candy to children.

my apartment building rocked monday night.

we had a pony keg of heineken and cider with some rum. but i came with my own drink (mistake no. 1). i made it in a pint glass (mistake no. 2). the first one was cranberry with apple vodka. delicioussss. my social awkwardness/shyness kicked in and i started gulping down my drink (mistake no. 3) while all the cool kids talked as if they had known each other for centuries. for my second drink i had to scrounge around for something to mix with. i had a nice buzz going and decided that diet pepsi and orange vodka was the logical choice. actually it wasn't too bad. again i gulped it down like it was going to save me from the bird virus (mistake no. 4). i then became rather tipppppsy.

i proceeded to get a phone call from my sister (sober enough to keep my shit together even though the running commentary in my head was "keep your shit together! keep your shit together! keep your shit together! keep your shit together!"), a phone call from PersistentGuy (tipsy at this point and i think i apologized for always interacting with him when i had a few drinks in me), ran into the NeighborsThatHateMyFormerGroupHouse (drunk. otherwise i would have ignored them. the best thing they had to say was that the tenets in my apartment building all looked like they had jobs.), and a phone call from TheChild (wasted).

i somehow managed to cook my lunch (chicken stir-fry) without setting the building on fire. yay me!