:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Thursday, August 31, 2006

What is my cousin's child to me?*

*my first cousin, once removed

the good news: So on Monday my cousin's ex-girlfriend (LOOONG story) gave birth to a son, Sebastian*. I had hoped to have a photo to share, but my aunt hasn't e-mailed them to me. But as he comes from superior genes, he's rumored to be gorgeous.

*anyone else automatically think of Sebastian Bach when they hear this name?? just me?

the bad news: he is fairly critical right now. when the mother's water burst it was green. Sebastian is hooked up to a lot of machines (mainly through the back of his neck)...mostly to pump blood to his organs and brain.

the good news: he's in a really amazing hospital and they are taking really good care of him. yesterday they eased him a bit off of the pain killers they are pumping through him and he opened his eyes for the first time.

the bad news: even if he makes it through, he has down syndrome.

the good news: I didn't know that my family was able to pour so much their love and souls out.

I found true love at the supermarket

I knew it was meant to be when the hottt guy in front of me placed his items on the conveyor belt at the (un)Safeway last night.

He was purchasing the following:

6-pack of Foster's
3 boxes of cereal (one of them was Cap'n Crunch)
2 blocks of cheese

And the final thing that won my heart?
His tattoos.


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I'll take "fucked up dreams" for $200, Alex.

I think the mozzarella sticks at Millie & Al's gave me two of the weirdest dreams last night.

Dream #1
It's set in the middle of nowhere middle America (dirt roads and a corn field [but the corn is only about knee-high]). A guy comes down the dirt road and stops at the intersection. I come up to him and ask if he's having car troubles or if he's lost. The guy replies that he's just looking around. A moment later a truck full of soldiers come up from that same road. They all spread out and start searching through the corn rows. All of a sudden one of them yells at me and the guy to not move and shoots me with a tranquilizer.

The "general" rolls me over and asks if I'm working for the CIA or if I'm just stupid. I replied "neither." he then started laughing and saying that I was as cute as button. After some "interrogation" all the soldiers left because they found another civilian to interrogate.

Dream #2
My grandmother is pissed off at me that I didn't die on my scheduled day. I'm terrified that I'm going to be punished by her so I ran around the house looking for a place to hide. My grandmother finds me in the closet and asks why I'm hiding. I tell her that I'm scared she's going to beat me. She tells me to stop being silly and come out. She then slips this electro-shock thing on my head and starts to shock me.

Needless to say I was less than pleased.

lesson of the day: stop eating fried cheese before going to bed.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Wait...where's my appendix??

So I've been slightly paranoid about any pain that I cannot pinpoint to a particular organ in my abdominal region. A friend of mine died from her appendix bursting while she was in the ambulance. We were in high school.

So when I started getting random dull pains in my side yesterday late afternoon, my hypochondriac self immediately thought of my appendix. But without any knowledge of where one's appendix is really located, I decided it must be that my clothes are too tight and cutting into my flesh.

The pain continues today and I did a little "research" on WebMD and determined it's not my appendix.

So I've decided to blame the roast beef sandwich I had yesterday from the cafeteria.

lesson of the day: no matter how desperate, don't eat the food from work.

Monday, August 28, 2006

My Bridget Jones' Moment

A coworker told me about this new product she found at Target. She was particularly fond of it as it helps with the unfortunate summer occurrence of INNER THIGH SHAFTING. It's called Assets*.

So I decided to pick up a pair of "mid-thigh shapers" and tested them out underneath a skirt today.

My first thought was that I am officially old. I mean, who the hell wears shit like this?!? Is the next step a truss??

My next thought was that my thighs were in no way, shape, or form going to be squeeze into the "leg openings." Then as I'm pulling them up, I thought there's no way I'm going to survive the whole day without cutting off the circulation to the lower half of my body.

Once I put my skirt on though, my attitude changed. Nice and smooth without any lumps, bumps, or rolls.

I'm not a thong girl and I've tried just about every seamless / "no-show" underwear out there. Eventually they all start to show. Plus in some of my skirts you can see the outline of fat as the underwear cuts into my hip (it's the hot new look for fall).

So I was pleasantly surprised when everything disappeared and my ass looked smooth.

But how would I last a whole day wearing this??

Turns out that it's actually feels lightweight and not at all like it's cutting off circulation to any limbs.

I would recommend everyone try a pair out...and to not be discourage as you are trying to sausage yourself into them.

*please check out the site. The "before" asses are HILARIOUS!

So how much wax actually equals a "disgusting amount?"

Good news: there's not a dead cockroach in my ear.

Bad news: the wax that has formed in my ear is hard and now I need to put drops in for a week before they can flush it out.


Friday, August 25, 2006

The straw that broke the camel's back

So girls know their stance in the pecking order with any given group of their friends. They all know who the "hot girl" is on any given evening. I'm not the "hot girl" and I thought I had dealt with those demons long ago in college.

But a few weekends ago those demons reared their ugly heads...and consequently one of my friendships will never be the same.

I don't feel like I can go into the details without sounding like I'm a bitter bitch (I'm often a bitch, but I hope never bitter). So here's my tip to all the guys out there...…

Don't talk to the HotGirl's Friend if all you really want to do is talk to the HotGirl. She's not there for you to try out all your material on before moving on to the main attraction. Be a fucking man and pull your BALLS OUT OF YOUR PURSE and talk to the HotGirl.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Two things that ROCKED my world today

1. Over-the-Counter status for Plan B

The FDA finally gets their act together and makes an important step in reducing the number of unplanned pregnancies. That is if you are 18 or older. Otherwise you still need to get a prescription before it will be issued to you. I'm curious to see how many pharmacists will deny women access to Plan B due to religious convictions (just as some already do for birth control). Fingers crossed, people, fingers crossed.

2. The demotion of Pluto as a planet
a part of me just died inside

I'm not sure why, but this really bothers me. I think it goes beyond the fact that I can't use "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas" to remember the order of the planets. It just feels wrong.
I think I need a moment.
Excuse me.

"Listen, that squirrel did NOT have stigmata!"
and other quotes from my night at Lucky Bar

"Yeah, and I'm not getting laid tonight, bitch."

"No, I don't think a cockroach crawled into my ear and died!"

"hot...I i don't mean 'hot,' but 'hot!'"

"Don't just hold it in your mouth. You got to swallow as you suck."

...and that pretty much sums up my dinner last night.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

You had me at...

What first attracts me to bands are usually their name or the name of a song.

So when I saw Evanescence's new song called Call Me When You're Sober* I knew it was love at first sight.


*because really what girl hasn't thought that about some boy she's met

Vodka! It's what's for dinner.

I think I may have to seriously think about incorporating it into my meals...if I can guarantee losing 3 pounds each time I do it.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

So you don't want to stick your tongue down my throat?!

I work in an environment that seems to only attract women and gay men. As such everyone's standards start to...drop a bit. So that when the short, bald straight man starts to work here, he has no problems attracting the ladies.

So I've been casually flirting* with a guard here. He's short and I would probably break him if I sat on him. But it's something to pass the time here.

So last week I saw him as I was running an errand. He waved. I waved. He started to say "how are you doing?" when I child darted out in front of me. I became nothing but a windmill of arms as I try to not trip over the child.

I'm nothing, if not graceful.

Unable to look at him again, I continue on my errand fairly certain that he wouldn't be throwing himself at me any time soon.

*as in I smile and wave and avoid eye contact

Monday, August 21, 2006

Deflowered on Saturday

So DC Sports Chick and Fred were kind enough to partake in Operation Deflower and choose me to play the virgin role [insert joke about when the last time I was called a virgin here].

It was definitely a fun time and I'm still in awe about how everyone REALLLLLLLY gets into the game. I especially enjoyed the warm-ups that Colorado was doing (though what was up with the backup goalie doing those random "girl" push ups?!?)

But seriously?!? The game ends even if there's a tie?! What's up with that? Are there other sports out there that do the same? Why?

It just feels...weird.

But I'm glad I went and I would probably be up for another game if I can be promised such amusing entertainment.

Also...if that guy who beats the drums ever beats his drum right behind my head again, I will be forced to put my foot (and his drum) up his ass.
Just saying.

A letter to my new neighbor

Re: I'm going to KICK. YOUR. ASS.

Because singing drunk at the top of your lungs at 4:15 IN THE MORNING with all your friends is NOT a good way to meet people in the building.

Plus who the hell sings R.E.M.'s Nightswimming with such fervor?!?!

Friday, August 18, 2006

The breaking of glasses, the pseudonyms, and the invasion of my home
a.k.a. My Thursday night at Front Page

It all started off tame enough. FreshMeat and I decided to take Orphan (a.k.a. the intern) out for cheap wine at Front Page.

First drink: we all stand around exchanging mild company gossip and slightly embarrassing stories.

Second drink: Orphan shows us the most ROCKIN' moves to a Kelly Clarkson song and FreshMeat is trying to convince the dj to play Pulp.

Third drink: Orphan decides to leave (without partaking of the third glass) leaving FreshMeat and I bored and staring at each other.

Half through third drink: FreshMeat is talking to the dj to find another song to play. The dj is slowly but surely falling in love with FreshMeat (we can tell because he starts to play her requests sooner and sooner).

Finishing third drink: random guys chat us up and I decide that we HAD TO give fake names. Mine was reminiscent of an 80s porn star. ::shudder:: One of the guys try to teach me how to do a poker face…very unsuccessful as I ended up laughing the entire time.

FreshMeat hustling for fourth drink: this random woman decides that FreshMeat is just her type and buys her a drink. So then FreshMeat leaves to go chase down the dj leaving the girl and me to stare at each other and try to fill the awkward silence. I believe the girl's exact words were "I hope she comes back soon."

Splitting the hustled drink: FreshMeat is so excited by one of the songs that her dance move requires her to throw her elbows out…which then knocks my glass over. Wine and glass everywhere. FreshMeat feels bad and offers her half to me.

FreshMeat hustling for the fifth drink: FreshMeat and the dj share a “moment” and he comes back with wine for everyone. I can barely get a few sips in as ALL I can think about is a Kenny’s Barbeque from Wrapworks. I try to discreetly distance myself when the dj FINALLY asks for FreshMeat's number. The guy watching the stairs asked me if I was okay. I said I was just waiting until the guy got my friend's number. He then asked if I needed to be hit on as well. I laughed and told him that I was okay. (meanwhile, I’m thinking "ummm…thanks, but I really don't need pity attention. Pbbbfffttt.")

Leaving the unfinished drinks behind: dj walked us out and said good night and FreshMeat and I head to Wrapworks.

The Aftermath
Slamming my elbow into the hand dryer in Wrapworks bathroom in the exact location where it already hurts.

Coming home to find that maintenance had once AGAIN entered my apartment with no notice (this time to fix a hole behind the stove that I had no idea about). They also used my bathroom as they LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP!

FreshMeat waking up to a bloody GASH in her leg.

Finding a glass shard in my bag this morning.

Candidates: here's a tip from me to you

I get it.
You want to reach as many people as possible and Election Day is zoooooming in.

So you hand out flyers to morning commuters.

BUT please do not try to have a conversation with anyone. I'm way too rushed in the morning to want to step aside and have a heart-to-heart about what you stand for. All you'll get from me in the morning is me accepting your flyer and shouting "good luck" over the blaring of my iPod.

Unless you have cupcakes.
Then I have ALL the time in the world for you.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Time to get my ears syringed?

I keep not hearing words that people say...and it's starting to get worse.

Last night I was hanging out with some fabulous people, and I swear this is what I heard.

Law-rah: That's right Marcie! I always see your ass when I go out at nights.

what was actually said...

Law-rah: That's right Marci! I always see your EX when I go out at nights.

and this afternoon FreshMeat was talking to me and asked if I wanted to go see Audrey. I'm thinking "who the hell is Audrey and why would I want to see her?" Turns out she was asking about "A DRINK."

it's time to call the doctor.

Apparently I'm not high class

Recently FreshMeat and I went out for a drink to recover from a rather unpleasant day at work. We both got cosmos as we were feeling extra-girly and it was the happy hour special.

Instead of using the happy hour vodka the bartender made our drinks with some rather good vodka that I've never tried before.

I've never had such a smooooooth drink in all my days.

But both FreshMeat and I noticed that neither of us felt buzzed anything after it. Normally a cosmo at least makes me feel...loose.

So we came to the conclusion that we are obviously not high class people. But rather that we are people who truly appreciate bathtub vodka.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament.

Well, it's now official.
I bought my EXTREMELY* overpriced tickets to...London!

I still can't believe I was able to get my act together and make this trip happen...and I can't believe that I leave in less than a month!

It does make me sad that I'm paying just as much as RiotGirl did for her ticket to GREECE (and we are leaving on the same day and possibly the same flight). What is UP with that?!?

Please let me know if anyone has any suggestions for must-see sites, museums, or bars.

*as far as I'm concerned both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic can suck it.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

That's my drinking arm!

Starting Saturday night my left elbow has been hurting me. I tried icing it with my beer bottle, but no luck.

This poses a serious problem as it cuts down on the number of times I can lift my drink to my mouth.

I need a straw.


Um, thanks for the head's up

So I came home last night to find that PEOPLE had been in my apartment. To be exact, the exterminators had been in there to deal with the increase in bugs and mice. Funny as I wasn't given ANY notice that they were coming.

Now, normally a memo is distributed to the apartments when the exterminators are coming. I usually take care to make sure that there's nothing out to embarrass them or me (keep in mind that I live in a shoebox studio).

Such as:
dirty socks on the floor
underwear on the bed
drying rack filled with handwashed garments (including thongs and lace underwear and slips)

Those poor guys didn't need to see any of that.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Awkward Moment #8,305,011

Walking in on the pregnant woman from another department while she was on the toilet...

for FUCK'S sake people! LOCK the bathroom stall door!

my eyes need a shower.

Oh! So that's what you meant...

what you wrote in a memo to the tenants "renovations to laundry room."

what you actually meant was "paint the walls and increase the price on the dryers."


Friday, August 11, 2006

Suck it. It amuses me.

So I've been keeping a list of phrases people used to accidentally stumbled across my blog.

Below is a list of my favorites...

"norweigan dirty phrases"
(well, you won't find any here. but I wish I knew some.)

"'what gets me hot' video"
(hmmm...I didn't know my video was already released.)

"someone left pee on the toilet seat"
(it wasn't me. I swear.)

"minnesota whore"
(dude, I hoped you found what you needed.)

"put on stockings blog"
(must have been looking for a fetish site. some day mine might be one. I need to pay the rent somehow.)

"fat kate vixen"

"revenge of the nerds and moon bounce"
(it was in relation to a porn conversation I had with DCSC one weekend.)

I'm on the EDGE people!

If one more person comes to me and pisses me off...i swear i won't be held responsible for my actions.

everyone needs to back the fuck off.


mmm...i feel better now...


in the last few days i have used the word "wicked" more than any person from southern california should be allowed to.

i'm so easily corrupted.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Note to self...

Never pick an outfit at 5:30 in the morning unless I WANT people to give me strange looks in the gym two hours later.

hey, I say an all black outfit can work.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


I could write a ton of stories about the horror that is my relationship with my mother. Suffice to say that if she knew the real me, she would be totally disappointed.

And then run and tell my family so they could gather together and pray for my soul.
(I don't have a problem with religion, just when it goes to the crazy extremes.)

So imagine the fear that RIPPED through my body as I retrieved my voicemail this morning and heard my mother talking about coming to visit me* early next year!!!

I'm hoping that if I don't mention it she'll forget and never come. Otherwise I need to find hiding places for all my booze, porn, and incriminating photos.

*the only time my mother has visited me was when i graduated from undergrad many years ago.

I usually like 'em young and tender...

As my friends can attest I am rarely attracted to men my own age, let alone older. So I have no idea why in the last few weeks I keep finding myself attracted to older men (7-10 years older).

Must be something in the water.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Ahhh...it's always good to get the background

So last week I wrote about how I was awoken in the middle of the night by some shouting. Well, thanks to Kbean I finally know what happened that night (sorry, I couldn't find it online. so deal.).

Andy Misuck (who is running against Eleanor Holmes for DC Delegate) was robbed at gunpoint almost literally across the street from me. Luckily for Andy it sounds like he only lost his wallet and cell phone.

Is it wrong...

...to start a letter to your property manager like this?

"Dear Shit for Brains,"

Monday, August 07, 2006

I've been tagged

Thanks to DC Sports Chick, I've been tagged (like a wild animal).

So here are five weird things you may or may not know about me.

1. I have carnie hands (but I don't think I smell like cabbage).

2. I am the Office Collector of Kitsch (a.k.a. crap).

3. I HATE to break the binding on the book spines.

4. I really hate just about anything with fruit in it. It's just not natural.

5. As I'’m killing the bugs that infest my apartment, I hate myself (my father is an exterminator).

And I tag that girl, Law-rah, and WonderMidget. enjoy!

Secret of the Week

I absolutely love the new Justin Timberlake song SexyBack.


though the video totally confuses me...

Friday, August 04, 2006

DING! DONG! The witch is dead!
Which old witch?
The wicked witch!

The LazyWhore is OFFICIALLY gone from my life.
Forever and ever.

time to celebrate. where's my drink?!

3 hours and 45 minutes until the LazyWhore is gone!

::happy dance::

already today she has managed to do about...15 minutes of work...somewhere between her breakfast "meeting" and her gelato "meeting" and now the department's going away luncheon [which that girl, FreshMeat, and I are skipping and just heading up for dessert as we didn't think we could keep any food down if we had to be near her).

I can't even begin to describe how pleased I am that she is FINALLY leaving.

but what am I going to do with all my hatred? Who can I direct it at now?

Isn't running on the treadmill enough pain first thing in the morning?

I usually watch music videos in the mornings at the gym. I've recently came across a crop of some rather crappy videos and I can't decide which one is the absolute worse.

First Beyonce's Deja Vu. OMG. The outfits she's wearing. Beyonce, put DOWN the crack pipe and walk away. Slowly.

Then there's Paris Hilton's Stars Are Blind. Who the hell told this girl that she should be singing?!? Who???? Whoever it was is Dead. To. Me.

And finally Fergie's London Bridge. I don't think I've seen a worse concept for a video (or heard a worse song). Sweet Jaysus, someone end my pain.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Another reason why I need a digital camera
My cell phone isn't so good for taking blackmail pictures

So last night FreshMeat and I went to the Front Page to escape the lack of air conditioning and to enjoy the company of $2.75 glasses of wine.

This was FreshMeat by the end of the night. Need I say more?

Can I just stand in awe of FreshMeat's ability to hustle men for drinks??

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Two days and 1.5 hours more of dealing with her stupidity

FreshMeat sends out a reminder e-mail to people to turn in their time sheets. In her e-mail she states "Don't make me hunt you down like African game. You know I totally will."

LazyWhore's response?

"What is African game?"

i can't make this shit up, people!

When the English language isn't enough

FreshMeat and I were discussing how we really needed to expand our vocabulary beyond "fuck," "fucking, and (my personal favorite) "motherfucker" when talking about the LazyWhore. Because really, how many e-mails can we send each other that read "FUCKING WHORE!"?

so we decided to learn some German phrases to incorporate into our daily e-mails (because the German language sounds angry).

here are our favorites that we got from here:

  • Arschgeiger (ass strummer)

  • Du fauler Sack (you lazy bastard)

  • Fick dich (fuck you)

  • Verpiss dich (fuck off)

  • Deine mutter hat haarige arschbacken (your mother has hairy ass cheeks)

  • Schwanzlutscher (cocksucker)

  • Zum Teufel (dammit)

  • Du hast null Hoden (you have no balls)

  • Auf die knie, und heul'/winsel' um Vergebung. (On your knees, and suck for forgiveness.)

  • Seh ich deine fette Freundin, denke ich Deutsche Panzer rollen wieder. (When I see your fat girlfriend, I think German tanks are rolling again.)

  • Dunkelbumser (someone who only has sex in the dark)

  • Dan shwince ist soo cline (your penis is very small)

  • Wenn ich deine Hackfresse hätte würd' ich lachend in ne' Kreissäge laufen. (If I had your ugly face I'd run straight into a buzzsaw, laughing.)

As you can see we had a very productive day.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

You had me at...

..."My girlfriend of 5 years and I were starting to drift apart. She went on vacation and came back pregnant with someone else's child."

Oh, thank you ABC for One Ocean View! From all those poor souls who don't have cable and can't watch the Real World.