:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Friday, June 29, 2007

the secret formula for getting strangers to talk to you at the grocery store

nobody ever talks to meat the grocery store.

the cashier gives me a "good morning" and a "do you need carry-out service?" and that's it.

but the other night i needed cash so i decided to stop in and get a few items and some cash.

apparently what i purchased was enough for the guy behind me and the cashier to both stop and make comments.

the secret ingredients?

three boxes of popcorn
1 carton of ice cream
1 bottle of chocolate syrup


Thursday, June 28, 2007

a new level of desperation

in an effort to make sure that the band-aids i have on my feet actually stayed in face (and hence save me from screaming out in pain every time i took a step), i actually used scotch tape to tape the band-aids in place.

and let me tell you...it worked.

as sad and ghetto as it was, it actually worked.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

this morning's fight

i got into a fight with my iron.

and the iron won.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i attended a circus this weekend.
how about you?

last sunday that girl, freshmeat, and i decided to venture out and go to the Palace of Wonders for their OCircus performance.
turns out that WETA was filming there for their "around town" feature (be sure to look for us in the background...the camera man loved him some freshmeat!).

while the show definitely had it's amusing parts (Mr. L in a thong on a unicycle), i was a bit disappointed by the end of the performance. maybe this has something to do with the incredibly small stage (if you look at their site's photos, it looks like they can do more on a larger stage). or maybe it has something to do with the acts that looked like something i would have watched in high school on the quad.

i did appreciate the woman with the MOST. AMAZING. CLEAVAGE. EVER. seriously. i wanted to ask what kind of bra she had on so i could get one for myself.
and the bartender with the tatoos was good looking.
and "wolfman" had really beautiful eyes.

am in any hurry to go back again?
not really.
but that's not to say i would try it again if i thought there might be a decent show playing.

oh, and on the way home i almost get us all killed my not realizing the street was a one-way.


Monday, June 25, 2007

the madonna theory

one of my former housemates had this theory about 80s night at Heaven 'n' Hell.

if you got there a bit on the early side, the only people you saw dancing were a couple of solitary acts (doing moves you wouldn't believe). A bit later one, one group would join them. But basically everyone is watching from the sidelines and not joining in.

until the dj plays the first madonna song.

then all the girls come to the dance floor.
then all the guys come to the dance floor.

this is the madonna theory.

i've never seen the madonna theory work outside Heaven...until friday night.

Orphan, FreshMeat, and myself decided to hit the margaritas. hard. follow that up with more margaritas at FreshMeat's place (i was still feeling the burn from wednesday's bout of tequila so i switched to another drink). then on to tom tom for "one more drink."

while we were hanging out at FreshMeat's place, she was playing music, and Orphan, being the MOST AWESOME dancer i know, started dancing (she has the bruises to prove it).

then madonna came on...and the next thing i knew i was off the sofa and dancing like a fool. and FreshMeat joined in as well.

ahhh...the madonna theory is always working.


Friday, June 22, 2007

i get my paranoia from my grandmother

last night my grandmother called me.

this in itself is an event as i never talk to my grandmother outside of christmas and my birthday.

grandmother: i'm calling because i just heard about a group of women who carry pink glocks.
grandmother: that means guns, vix.

me: right, grandma.

grandmother: they have groups in new york and dc and i wanted to warn you about them.

me: thanks grandma.

grandmother: they are lesbians* and they are attacking random people on the street!

me: oh. good to know. thanks.

grandmother: you don't go out after dark, do you?

me: (thinking of all the times i stumble up my street drunk and disoriented) rarely, grandma.

grandmother: i never go out either. i get all my chores done after church.** people have no respect for the human body anymore.

me: they really don't.

grandmother: i hear the group also make ten-year-old girls join and turn them lesbians whether they want to or not.

me: oh?

grandmother: bill o'reilly was surprised he hadn't heard about them before.

i can't believe my grandmother is getting her information from bill o'reilly.

*honestly i'm surprised she knows the word. i grew up where it was called "an alternate lifestyle." it was years before i realized that they meant that someone was gay.

**my grandmother goes to church every morning.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

something i really could only drink in my 20s

when the directions on the mixer read "mix two parts mixer and one part tequila together," DO NOT decide that it should really be one part mixer and one part tequila.

unless you want to spend five solid minutes vomiting before going to bed.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007


i don't tan so much as i burn and then it fades to a tan.

so recently my parisian sunburn has faded to a tan...the only problem is that this tan makes it look like i really just have dirty arms.

is it any wonder that i'm still single?


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

my building is a magnet for drunk and disorderly people

i spent the early hours on sunday morning (from 4:15 to 6:30 am) listening to a woman come down the stairs, sigh (or scream), start kicking the building's front door, sigh (or cry), and stomp back upstairs.

this continued on a loop for at least two hours.
i prayed that she was really drunk.

by 6:30, she had been kicking the building's front door for a solid 15 minutes. finally the building's tenant association president (who also lives right above the door she had been kicking) came down and asked her what was going on. turns out the drunk girl had lost her keys, couldn't get in touch with any of her friends, and just wanted to go to bed. the president let her stay in her place.

so this isn't the first time that some drunken idiot has disturbed what little sleep i get.

there was the time that my next-apartment neighbor got into it with some other drunk resident.

or the time that i woke up to a zillion girls drunkenly screaming ("singing") the lyrics to a R.E.M. song.

or the time that the cops let in a drunk resident because he was banging on the front door because he lost his keys.

or that time another neighbor brought a friend home and then had an argument outside my door about whether or not he should stay.

i live in paradise.


Monday, June 18, 2007

won't you be my neighbor


so today i finally get someone else to move into one of the veal stalls by me.

this means:
no more random swearing.
no more fucking around with the air because i'm hot.
no more telling people to go fuck themselves after i hang up the phone.
no more staring off into space daydreaming instead of working.
no more swearing at the phone before answering it.

no good can come of this.


Friday, June 15, 2007

every time i think it can't get worse, it does

my life for the last few weeks has been in a definite downward spiral.

i can tell, because my purchasing has increased...a hundred-fold.

i suddenly find myself surrounded by new books, magazines, and dvds...and i haven't even given in to my clothes shopping urge.

so what exactly is going on in my life that makes me all...unpleasant (and smelly?) to be around.

it can't just be work (which is a total and utter cock-up).

can it?!?

maybe i just need a date.


Thursday, June 14, 2007

nothing like whoring oneself up for a company happy hour

tonight is the first time my company will have all the bright eyed interns together...with booze.

it will also be my first time to see which coworkers are trying to make out with which intern.

good times indeed.


Wednesday, June 13, 2007

i should never attempt to take jewelry off after i've been drinking

my necklace is now tangled up and i'll have to cut it to get it off of me now.

i'm so freakin' pretty.


Tuesday, June 12, 2007

q: how long does it take to explain using fedex online to a room full of morons?

a: forty minutes..or longer if you don't know how to work the internet or a computer.

i really hate being here.


Monday, June 11, 2007

i need to expand my vocabulary

what's a four-letter word for "i totally blow donkey balls?"

i had my mid-year review today.


i have sold my soul*

*and damn! i am cheap!

i spent this weekend doped up on nyquil (yeah, i was taking the NIGHTTIME version during the day because i am just that hardcore). to pass the time i went to my local video store and rented some dvds. after watching those, i wanted to get more. but i cringed at the thought of spending another $9.50 on two more dvds.

i thought again about the wonderland that is netflix. the things that have always held me back are the facts that 1) my mailbox is the size of a traveling toothbrush, and 2) my postman hates me as he always crushes all my mail.

but i decided to suck it up and try out the netflix two-week trial.

but here's the thing that kills me.
i was checking out their top 100 movies and freakin' Mean Girls is on there?!
who the hell is still renting Mean Girls?!
for fuck's sake just buy it at Target for $7.99 and be done with it.


Friday, June 08, 2007

knit in public!

not only is june 9th a friend's birthday, it also your chance, my crafty friends, to display your skillz during the annual World Wide Knit in Public Day.

while i am unable to participate this year due to a cold that turned nasty these last few days (i'll be doped up on everything i can find in my medicine cabinet), i hope that others are able to get out and join others (i hear some people are going to glen echo).


Thursday, June 07, 2007

i work with disgusting pigs

i seriously don't know how these people were raised.

by the end of the day the women's restroom on my floor looks like a tornado whipped through it...scattering paper towels, toilet seat covers, and toilet paper willy nilly around the room.

need to dry your hands after washing them? please don't bother throwing the used paper towels in the trash bin. instead litter the floor and sink with them (and clogging said sink).

oh, you accidentally took two seat covers instead of one? the answer, of course, is to leave it on the floor.

too much toilet paper? obviously you need to decorate the stall with the excess...particularly focusing on draping the seat itself. the rest can go on the floor.

how hard is it to PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF?!?!


Wednesday, June 06, 2007

my latest problem:

i never thought i was ever paranoid.

but lately, i can't help but think that people at work are out to get me...and it doesn't help that some of them are.

but what if is i'm just being a freak and everything is fine??
and all i really just need a stiff drink.

then i walk past gfb's office and hear her talking about someone and i'm TOTALLY freaked out again.

i hate it when it's time for reviews.


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

day three
a.k.a. my lip gloss is the new pesticide against french insects!

*seriously. i had to stop wearing lip gloss due to all the bugs that would get stuck to my lips. disgusting.

i woke up with one thing on my mind: the louvre. here i expected to see the holy grail of all museums and art collections. i was beyond giddy with excitement.

by the end of my visit, i wanted to personally put a bullet inside of the idiot who designed that museum. the constant walking "up" to get "down" is fucking annoying to say the least.

but i digress.

i started off my day by coming off the subway and into the middle of a race. there was runners everywhere (including the sidewalk)! i waited patiently with other pedestrians until there was a lull so we could walk down the street.

finally i saw the louvre.

and the infamous i.m. pei pyramids.

while the museum itself pissed me off, i must admit the collection is astounding and gorgeous.

there was some interesting installation which mixed contemporary art with the louvre's art.

afterward i strolled through jardin des tuileries on my way to musée de l'orangerie (which i never did get to see due to the massive line of people dying to get in and see the monets).

then i popped over to see place de concorde and place vendome.

then it was time for my walking tour of st. denis and its royal burials (is it me or am i seeing a lot of dead people on this trip?). rather unfortunately there was construction going on in front of it, but it was still rather magnificent.

then back to see eglise de la madeleine, give the brush off to some creepy canadian living in paris, and then off to the arc de triomphe for the remembrance in the evening (i also came back at night to get some evening photos and to stroll down the avenue des champs-elyssés...where some creepy frenchman wouldn't take any hints so matter how icy i was).

then i decided that everyone needed to see just how awesome the french park their cars.


Friday, June 01, 2007

dating ettiquette tip

i can't believe i have to say this again.

but some idiot got in touch with me at 10:30 last night, via text, to see if i wanted to go out with him.

this. is. unacceptable.

NO ONE should text someone for a date.
especially if you haven't been in touch for months (at least 6 months in last night's example) and have to remind the other person how and where you meet (due to the fact that it's been MONTHS).

anyone who tolerates this behavior just makes it bad for the rest of us.

so do everyone a favor and be a man...pull your balls out of your purse, and make a fucking phone call.