:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Where will it all end?

I just witness The Germaphobe pull a bunch of paper from the recycling bin to use to cover the doorknob while she tried to balance her tea. It was hilarious.

This is also the same person who kills a small forest every time she washes her hands.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Adding to the dating vocabulary

legal AND tender = guys, who while they are of a consenting age, are still wet behind the ears when it comes to the whole make out etiquette
(thanks to a coworker's friend for this one)

(I could tell you all about what how this is in reference to someone's expectations of someone else swallowing. But that just might gross you guys out.)

Friday, August 26, 2005

When it rains, it pours!

So last night (after I stumbled home from my sangria-induced binge at California Tortilla) I received a couple of calls from boys I had looong ago given up on ever hearing from them again.

The first one was ToThePoint...nice guy, but kind of dull around the edges. Most of his e-mails are really short and, well, to the point. His message was that he was just calling to "chat." I didn't know that he "chatted..."

The next was from the infamous NPJ, my air force boy. He had, until about 4 months ago, been stationed abroad (he is now stationed down South). After he moved back his phones calls dwindled down to nothing. His message was much more like "you haven't called me in a long time." (translation: I'm bored and horny. "talk" to me.) I'm sorry, but the phone works both ways, buddy.

I think I'll call ToThePoint today, while I'll let NPJ fester for a while.

It's like the both knew that I'm looking forward to my date tonight with TheChild (which the title of the date is "The All-Important Third Date" a.k.a. "He Thinks He's Getting Laid Tonight").

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


...blows huge donkey balls.

I need a vacation...or a really, really large drink.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Weekend of TheChild

Well, I must say that dating a younger man definitely has its benefits. He was just so eager to please.

We started off the evening at Lucky Bar, where I got TheChild drunk (hey, he's the one who insisted on shots of yagermeister). I honestly don't believe first dates should be done sober. Having something to drink during those awkward moments is KEY. Then he wanted to take me to Cafe Citron for dancing, (I almost fell from the lack of oxygen to my brain. A guy?! Wanting to dance?! On a date?! On purpose?!) where we stayed for a while drinking AND dancing. Then we went to the front page for more drinks and MORE dancing. At this point I was exhausted and he offered to walk me home. I was too tired to pretend to not see through this ploy. I mean it has been a few weeks since someone has touched my body. I was due.

Next morning: I was able to kick him out relatively early (I hate guys who lounge around all morning). He immediate asked me for dinner on Monday. I spent the rest of my morning de-boying my apartment.

Saturday afternoon: I forgot I already had plans for Monday evening. So I had to cancel.

Sunday afternoon: He called to ask me to the 311 concert on Friday. And then asked if he could come over as he didn't think he could wait a whole week to see me (translation: any chance I can see you naked before Friday?). He was there an hour later, freshly showered...just the way I like them.

Monday morning: another satisfied date left. No time to de-boy the apartment before work though...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Title of Tonight's Date Is...

Robbing the Cradle


How to Out Drink the Young

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

How to charm me into changing the zillion-gallon container of water at work

Ask me if my skirt is from Neiman's...when in reality it costs me $20 and is from Target.

I still think you're a great waste of space and a former coke addict that's having an affair with the guy who's in charge of our finances, but I'll be pleased to change the water for you.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Holiday gifts for my coworkers?

a coworker directed me to this awesome site.
(this was one of my favorites)

i think i know know what i'm getting coworkers this holiday season...

More Dating Tips

There are so many things wrong with this e-mail (excerpt below). I don't know where to start.
[B]ut it looks as if I've been stood up. Ha, ha! Poor thing... I took her to the zoo on Saturday - as a first date- and we were incoherent from the heat! I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't call....she was a nice person though....The offer stands if you want a drink. Well, that is if I am stood up - but that's almost a sure thing by now.

1. don't mention the fact that you have another date tonight. why can't you just say you have plans?
2. don't ask a girl for a date the same evening if it's already 5-f'ing-30
3. don't ask a girl for a date by saying that there's a chance you've been stood up. what girl likes to know that she's your second choice?!?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Dating Tips for the Day

1. While corresponding with someone and trying to set up a date, perhaps it's not the best of ideas to mention how you went out on a first date this previous weekend.
Walking around the smelly zoo in record heat is not a good idea for a first date - yes, that's what I did Saturday afternoon. Poor girl... she melted on the way back to the subway...

yes, yes. of course you are dating others. i truly believe in comparison shopping while i date. but i don't need it thrown in my face. thank you very much.

2. If you can't bring yourself to sign an e-mail to me with your real name. At least don't make it some lameass "nickname" such as toad or magic.

hella lame, boys. hella lame.

Spam of the Day

"The Penis Patch is amazing"

hmmm...i didn't realize that you could patch one up so easily...

Friday, August 12, 2005

I. Hate. Everyone. Here.

What the fuck?

ALL I wanted to do was take today off.
I'm a woman on the motherfucking edge.

But I can't take a full day...so I compromise and say that I'll take a half day.

I tell the appropriate people that I want to leave at 1:30.
I get the work done. I just have ONE fucking question to ask and I could package up the whole fucking job.
but no. Both people who could have answered by question were at lunch.
it's now 1 pm.

So I wait.
They come back.
I ask my question.
They give me an answer.
It's now 2 pm.
But I need someone else to say okay to their suggested change.

Guess where that person is at.

I haven't even taken lunch.
I need to get the fuck out of here.

I wouldn't be so stressed if I wasn't trying to meet someone for a 3 pm appointment at the gym, followed by meeting someone for drinks. I don't want to do any of it now. fuck everyone.

hmmmm...maybe I do need a drink.

Impromptu HH

So DC Sports Chick mentions this Blogger HH...and well, while I looked like ass, I can never turn down a hh or a chance to hang out with her.

While waiting for her show up, I took shelter from the steam and grime of the city in Barnes & Noble. Who should I see but the Biggest Bigwig of Them All (at least in my company) checking out the magazine rack. While I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see him there (as he lives around the corner), but I just couldn't fathom why he would be there.

I starting stalking him in hopes that he would pick up an US Weekly or Vogue.

Back to the hh...it was nice and I was thirsty...but I was definitely "game off." I probably should start doing shots before going into social situations....

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Quote of the Day

"I did have a baby so I should be an adult about it."

Word, sister. Word.

Title of Date #2 - D-E-N-I-A-L

so we picked up burritos and watched some Coupling (the BBC version, thank you very much!).

and then the making out begins...and my panic level rises.

all i could think of was what if he REALLY expects me to tie him up and spank him. could i even do that without laughing?! I DON'T THINK SO.

so we all know that people can say some silly things in the heat of the moment. but has anyone ever whispered "make me your slave?"

not once, but twice.

i ignored him both times by pretending not to hear him.

how do we spell relief?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Well, he asked for it...

Does every girl in this post-feminist world have a moment when a guy they like asks them to dominate them?

or is that just me???

what is the tactful response in THIS social situation?!?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Date recap - Mr. Tuesday Night

location: Lucky Bar (decent dive-ish place; but whoever heard of $4 Bud Lites! i mean come on!)
guy: K, 30 (31 in October), graphic designer, lives in Arlington

date: conversation was decent; he was funny; seemed to think i was funny enough; date last 3 hours; ended with a hug; no follow up e-mail today

analysis: he doesn't want to see me naked or ask for a second date

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

mr. tuesday night

so tonight is my date with mr. tuesday night.

we are meeting for drinks at the lucky bar.
lucky me.

am i excited?
not really.

will be charming and funny?
duh. of course. that's what booze is for.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Popular searches within my network

so one of the "new" features of friendster is to show you the top 10 searches within your network.
i took one look at this list and decided i don't know my friends AT ALL.

1. nokia 6230
(okay, that's legit. i mean people always need new phones)

2. free witchcraft love potions
(okay people, are we taking the whole harry potter thing a bit far now?)

3. gucci watch
(seriously. if you have cash to blow on a gucci watch, start buying my drinks at happy hour!)

4. sony ericsson z1010
(i don't know what the hell this is. another phone?)

5. free dating
(ummm, i think "paid dating" is called prostitution)

6. punk hair styles
(i think if you can search for it, it doesn't qualify as punk)

7. love calculator
(oh, come on!)

8. gucci bags
(seriously. pay for my drinks!)

9. guess wallets
(i think you all have better taste than this)

10. guess jeans
(buy some wranglers and be done with it)

Bad Dating Skills

Canceling a date via text message.