:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Friday, March 30, 2007

my burning eyes...and other unfortunate side-effects of an outdated wardrobe

gfb continues to stun us with her "variety" of clothing. Most of them look like they were bought back in the 80s when acid wash was the height of fashion.

How many pairs of tapered pants can ONE woman own?!?!?!*

*the correct answer is none.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

:: phrase of the day ::

fuzzy donut
(slang for labia)

used in a sentence?
No one likes it when their breakfast falls on the carpet and they end up with a fuzzy donut.

according to the book, this term sprang up in the mid-twentieth century in middle america (you filthy people!).


the cherry blossoms outside my office always bloom about one week before the ones down at the tidal basin.

well, this morning they have turned from fluffy white to tinged with pink!

you guys have about just about a week before the tidal basin will be overflowing with these pink ladies...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

all hail the power of myspace!

i just got a message from someone who i haven't seen since she was about 8. i was friends with her older sisters. we drifted apart when the eldest sister died when she was 14 or 15. i hadn't heard anything about any of them since then.

until today.

i can't believe she was able to track me down!


how many euphemisms do you know?

recently Orphan gave me a book called The Contemporary Dictionary of Sexual Euphemisms.

it's the most amazing book i've ever read and has lead me to do a post a day (a week?) on one term picked at random and explain it (and perhaps use it in a sentence).

but this book lead some people (law-rah, marci, buggie, kbean, basementgirl, and freshmeat) to come up with their own list of euphemisms:

-– feeding the meter

-– trimin' the hedges

-– beating the freshmeat

-– having an epiphany

-– firing up the cooter

-– stem the cherry

-– poking the bear

-– biting the nugget

they have filthy, filthy minds.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

new proof of the dangers of the sock gap

if you've ever watched Coupling, you've probably seen the episode where jeff explains the dangers of the sock gap.

"I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That's the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her."

and hands down, i agree.

recently dcsc gave me a fantastic gift (naked men in oven mitts). i noticed that one of the naked men has socks on.

i don't think i need any other evidence.

i'm the jackhole

i totally was the jackhole last night.

after all the times i thought i would be a grown up in certain situations...i totally panicked and then lied.

i spent the rest of the night feeling horrible.

Monday, March 26, 2007

i over think everything

i've been struggling all day long with what hotel to go for.

should i pay extra for a nicer hotel or save money and go for the (nice) hostel?

the hostel in london really made me yearn for some alone time and some amenities.

but the economical side (the side that is eating the same meal from now until christmas in order to finance all my trips this year) makes me want to suck it up and stay in the cheaper place.

in the end i went with this.

how to ruin a night out

have an ex call you asking to "meet up" that night the moment you finally get over him.


Friday, March 23, 2007

why i never delete phone numbers from my cell phone

I was woken up last night at 1:22 by a phone call.

I look at the display and it reads "Johnny-Go-Lucky." now kbean's fiance is named Johnny-Go-Lucky and he has my number and I thought something might be wrong. But the display in front doesn't show the whole name. So when I opened it I found out it was the wrong Johnny-Go-Lucky. It was "Johnny-Go-Lucky — match" (someone I dated more than a year ago).

The last time he called me was a year ago tomorrow because he was in the district (he had moved to baltimore) and was wondering if I was going to be around later (translation: I don't want to drive back to baltimore and sex with you wouldn't be a bad way to pass the time). I texted him back saying I had plans. Never heard from him again.

Until last night.

As soon as I realized who it was, I hung up without speaking.

And that's why you should never delete numbers from your cell phone.
It good to know who drunkenly calls you.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

text messaging etiquette


if i'm stupid enough to give you my number (and i don't take yours), and you text message me later in the week (as you can't be bothered to pull your balls out of your purse and call me).

do me a favor and SIGN your text message.

because, funny enough, i'm not going to 1) remember your name, and 2) figure out who the hell is texting me by a series of numbers.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

we all need to be talked off the ledge every now and then...

i must be in an easily pissed off mood lately.

last night i opened my mailbox to discover a magazine that i never subscribed to. it was a magazine that i've never heard of and definitely never would have paid to get monthly. i checked and all they had was an e-mail address for subscription queries. so this morning i went to their web site and found that they had no number listed. so i sent them an e-mail. one was written when i was truly pissed off, and one was toned down with the help of freshmeat.

i've included them both.

To Whom It May Concern,

Yesterday evening I opened my mailbox and I was surprised to see a magazine from your company staring back at me. Why the surprise? Because I NEVER SUBSCRIBED to your magazine. I also can't imagine anyone giving me this magazine as a gift as it's geared toward men, and funny enough I'm not a man.

I don't know how you got my name or decided that I needed a subscription to *******, but I request that you cancel this subscription immediately and I better not see any charges on my credit statement or a bill sent to me through the mail.

Let me know if you need any other information from me and please confirmed that you have canceled this subscription.

Oh, and one suggestion. Please list a subscription phone number on your Web site. I really would have liked to talk to someone in person.



To Whom It May Concern,

Yesterday evening I opened my mailbox and I was surprised to see a magazine from your company staring back at me. Why the surprise? Because I never subscribed to your magazine. I also can't imagine anyone giving me this magazine as a gift as it's geared toward men.

I don't know how you got my name for a subscription to *******, but I request that you cancel this subscription immediately as well as any charges.

Let me know if you need any other information from me and please confirmed that you have canceled this subscription.

Oh, I would suggest that you list a subscription phone number on your Web site as it would have nice to talk to someone in person.


can you tell which one is which?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

apparently i have a secret stash of bulbs

my phone rings this morning...

me (in a sour tone): [name of my department]

idiot: yes, this is **** in **** division. my light seems to be flickering and i need a new bulb.

me (amused): i'm sorry. but you'll need to call work control at extension **** and ask for a new bulb. i can't help you.

idiot (angry): but i was told to call you for a new light bulb by someone else.

me (very amused): i'm sorry, but i don't have bulbs. this is the...

idiot (cutting me off): fine.
::hangs up on me::

i really need to track down this person who is spreading vicious rumors about me and my secret stash.

Monday, March 19, 2007

i have no shame

i just finished off the last of the TEN boxes of girl scout cookies i bought.

hmmm...funny enough, i feel no shame.

Friday, March 16, 2007

i survived dc's dmv

most people bring a book to entertain them as they wait to get their business done at the dmv.

not freshmeat.
she brought me.
(it's because i can juggle)

in a pure moment of idiocy, i agreed to accompany freshmeat to the dmv, where she was going to change her out-of-state license to a dc one.

we went last saturday expecting to wait forever.
it took us a grand total of 20 minutes.


i've never seen the dmv move so quickly in all my years.

first, there was only one person ahead of her to get a number. then we sat down to wait until her number was called. TWO MINUTES later, she was called and at a window.

i'm so stunned.
i may go back this saturday just to see if it can be done again.

*it took us only twenty minutes to get through security, get a number, get called to a window, verify her information, pay, get a photo taken, get her new license, and get my coat back on.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

therapy or vodka

last night freshmeat and i hit h&m for a little retail therapy and we discussed our "little problem" (a.k.a. "hard to say no to the idea of getting a few drinks after work most nights"). and she mentioned how she noticed a trend to our drinking. it's whenever we feel frustrated by someone at work.

for months when freshmeat first started it was all about the LazyWhore, and how lazy and whore-ish she is. then once the LazyWhore was gone, our drinking tapered off.

now, one month into GFB's arrival we are right back where we started.

freshmeat came up with the brilliant plan to present the grand fromage with our bar tabs to get reimbursed for our "therapy" sessions.

because, really...vodka is the only thing keeping us from showing up one day at work with a shovel.

and guess who's going down first?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

80 varieties of cheese in 10 days?
i think i can do it

so a little known fact about me is that whenever i'm upset or depressed i go shopping.
normally this little shopping spree is limited to books, cds, and dvds (there was one period in my life where i was buying 3-5 books every week due to a certain living situation i was in).

unfortunately for me, AirFrance was having a three-day sale during last friday's rather shitty day.

so the next thing i know i'm spending 10 days in paris.

no, i don't have a place to stay.
no, i don't speak the language.
no, i'm not traveling with anyone else.

yeah...i'm still reeling from it as well.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i really need to look at new shoes from ALL angles

do these shoes make my carnie feet look even smaller?!?!?

no, seriously.

lesson of the day:
never volunteer to go first

first of all, let me just say that i'm fine...and so are the friends.

yesterday evening, a few friends and i decided to go to a walk-in clinic for testing.

after comparing everyone's experiences, i've decided i got the shit end of the stick.
as usual.

i went first and i'll admit it, perhaps we were all a little bit too much fun for this place (cracking jokes and asking if we were going to get ice cream afterward). the guy sat me down, asked if i had any questions, and swabbed my mouth. not even me making a joke about how i'm glad i just went to the dentist that morning made him crack a smile. he opened a drawer, announced that there's a suggested donation of $30, told me to grab some condoms, and sent me on my merry way.

my friends got the other person.
the nice person.
she introduced herself, asked if they had any questions, asked if they were nervous, really chatted with them. then she drew some blood. no mention of a suggested donation. when they each went back for their results, they got a variety pack of condoms and some jokes.

did i mention that the only condoms i got were kimono* kind while they got LARGE?!
what the hell?!

*the kind for the "less endowed" men

Friday, March 09, 2007

sugar and spice
and everything a lie


so apparently today's meeting was about the fact that freshmeat and i are "impatient" with gfb. grand fromage senses some tension and wanted to get to the bottom of it before it became an issue.

freshmeat tried the whole "different work personalities and i'm sure once we get used to each other we will work smoothly." but it didn't look like grand fromage liked that answer (though what the hell were we supposed to say?? "gfb acts like a rude bitch, so i get a bit impatient with her").

i apologized for seeming to have any patience and promised to work harder on that.

but the BIG issue seems to be WHO COVERS THE PHONE AT LUNCH?!?!!? because if the phone is ever left to ring on its own for more than 5 minutes, the world. will. end.
apparently gfb doesn't like the fact that she's "locked into" a particular lunch time. ummm...i'm fairly certain freshmeat doesn't take lunch until after 2...sometimes 2:30. so when EXACTLY do you feel you need to go to lunch?

i think the issue here is that gfb isn't talking to us about this whole lunch issue (and others) and is directly going to the grand formage. had she simply gone to freshmeat, she would have learned that we are flexible with whenever we take lunch. and that i can cover the phones in a pinch.

so now i have to be all sugary sweet and SUPER nice to her...no matter how much i want to ram my foot up her ass.

and not only to her, but to EVERYONE in the office.

i've wasted nine years here...and this my "career?!"
is it any wonder i escape to the land of vodka?

i can never win

apparently gfb has been spreading rumors about how mean i am.

i don't have enough backbone to be mean to anyone.
well, to their face.

now freshmeat and i have a 10:30 meeting to discuss "front desk duties." either that means that gfb has thrown a fit because she is the back-up for the front desk and now i'm going to have to do that. OR freshmeat and i are being taken to task for not being more friendly.

of course i'll apologize for any "misunderstanding" between gfb and myself.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

ceiling update

one week later...

notice the quality workmanship.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

it began with a twitch

some day when someone asked just what the hell happened to me...

someone can answer that it started with my eye twitching.

Monday, March 05, 2007

question of the day

can a new pair of fabulous shoes cure depression?


Friday, March 02, 2007

i always find out that dc is too small...
at all the wrong times

as curlilocks once said, why not try anything once?

so on wednesday we both made our way to chi cha lounge for...
[insert drumroll here]

speed dating

we got there über-early so we could pound back a some liquid courage/wit before "mingling."

but i have to say that as a speed dating virgin i was rather pleasantly surprised by the experience. everyone was rather nice and good-looking (just a few exceptions). definitely made me think i would never meet these guys out at bars (or the bookstore orcoffee shopp as that workshop once recommended).

does this mean that i'll get a date before my birthday and end the drought?
probably not.

BUT i would totally recommend it to anyone who has ever even thought about it.

the only downside to the whole event is that i saw the michael bolton lookalike who used to work in my department. talk about dc being too fucking small!

i totally hated that guy.
and nothing he said that night improved him in my eyes.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

ahhh...the joys of urban living

tuesday evening, as i watching tv, i heard loud voices and lots of thumping sounds. i figured it was coming from the little hallway that separates my apartment from the one next to me that leads to the fire escape door (i know it's hard to visualize, but just know it's not the main hallway). they went on for quite some time, and i thought that someone was moving out.

the next morning i come out my apartment and see the floor is littered in all sorts of white material. i glance down the hallway to see this.

sweet mother.
what the hell?

and it's still like that when i left this morning.
it's a delightful building i live in.