:: m a y h e m b y m i s s m ::

do you have any idea how hard it is some mornings to make a glass of water without vomiting?!?

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

i don't give a proverbial rat's ass

day motherfucking 5 of my head-motherfucking-ache.

all i can think about is the pain.

and i really don't give a motherfucking care if you guys find this interesting or not.

maybe a bottle of vodka is what i need to dull the motherfucking pain...

p.s. - i'm not sure i said motherfucking enough. thoughts?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

cause for concern?

last saturday one-fourth of my office was here...working.

what does that tell you about our time management skills?

Monday, January 29, 2007


so last saturday evening i had to say farewell to a friend and former roommate before she leaves for germany.

this woman always made me feel like a sack of potatoes whenever i stood near to her. she could take something simple (like the adorable black dress she was wearing) and turn it into a totally chic outfit (while i'm standing around in denim, a t-shirt, and a necklace that turns my neck green).

now on top of that she has now colored her hair this AMAZING shade of brown that makes her looks ABSOLUTELY sultry! there's simply no other word for it. grrrr!

seeing her again brought back all sorts of memories...

like the time her and another roommate had a dance off to britney spears before we headed out for 80s night.
or the time we all piled into her car to drive all the way to ikea, only to realized we over purchased and she couldn't see out of most of the back window due to an oversized poster we bought.
or how she would trade off watching real world if we would all watch american idol.


i'm going to miss her!

so juliakatinka, where ever you end up, always remember that no one can dance to britney better than you!

So long
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Saturday, January 27, 2007

lesson of the day

when your thin friend buys the exact same article of clothing, immediate go and return the one you bough.

because no matter how flattering it looks on you, it will always look better on the thin friend.

Friday, January 26, 2007

my cheaper than a twenty dollar whore apartment building

my apartment building had NO heat last night. one of the coldest nights this season and my apartment building can't be bothered with heat?!?!

someone is starting to poke the motherfucking bear again.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

La Toya is TERRIFIED of cats
and other things i learned last night

last wednesday was freshmeat's birthday. we ended the evening at her place with vodka and tv.

as one of the poor and huddled masses without cable, our choices were limited. so we both decided to suck it up and watch Armed and Famous.

i don't think i have ever laughed so hard in all my life.

picture La Toya Jackson having her mother talk to La Toya's partner about why women shouldn't be cops.


this week we got to see them do a prostitution sting. i almost wet myself when La Toya told one of the "johns" that no, she wasn't a man.

it's the most amazing thing ever.

or at least it was until i saw a commercial for Reno 911: Miami.
i think i just found happiness again.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


that girl and i trade novels back and forth...which REALLY cuts down on how much i need to sell myself on the street to afford the "3 for 2" table at Borders.

so it was with delight to see that she was reading a book that i had contemplated about getting called The Little Lady Agency. turns out that it's a delightful read.

one of the things that struck me was how the character has two personas, each requiring a different wardrobe (of sorts). the business personal got to wear all the clothing that she saves for "special occasions" (and the appropriate undergarments). this led me to think of my own drawer full of lovelies that never get to see the light of day (and an embarrassing portion of them still have the price tags on).

i normally spend my winters wearing pants as i can't stand the thought of cold air whipping up my skirt and freezing my ass. but this morning i decided to mix it up. out came the skirt AND the flesh-color fishnets (that i've been saving for a special occasion).

by the time i made it to the subway the crotch of the fishnets was somewhere around the middle of my thighs (not hot).

i spent most of my morning trying to hike them up and keep them in place (cannot be done with any sort of grace).

so. incredibly. pointless.

p.s. - there's a huge hole in the crotch are now. motherfuckers.

p.p.s. - i hate the word "crotch."

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

never go into target without a list

last sunday FoodSoulMate and i went to Target to get a "few things."

next thing i knew the urge to TOTALLY redo my apartment hit me.
i hated everything about my place.

why was there so much red?

maybe i should get a comforter in case the heat gets turned off again.

maybe my kitchen needs a little something...

it just went on and on...luckily FSM was able to hold me back before i completely went overboard.
still, i managed to put quite a dent in my wallet.

but i think my new kitchen rug is quite fetching.

Monday, January 22, 2007

why do the best bartenders end up having the name of Mike?!

friday night: both Orphan and I were in need of a pick-me-up. two cosmos and a free shot (berry lemon drop??) later, we were both feeling no pain.

which was fortunate as i was surrounded by people who were totally making me uncomfortable.

1. the random man sitting by himself, but saving a chair, and eating plate after plate of appetizers. at first we thought his companion was in the restroom, but then we realized that he might have actually been stood up. and then, eventually (at least 45 minutes after we got there...goodness only knows how long he had been waiting before that) his "date" showed up (who then leaned over and tried to look at the photos on my camera).

2. the random guy who kept trying to get the bartender to come back to him for the 60¢ tip.
seriously?! i don't think the bartender wants the change that badly.

3. the angry girl who kept insisting she order before the bartender had a chance to come to her. nothing is less pleasant than hearing someone shot out "HEY! I NEED TO ORDER!"
sweetheart, the poor man will get to you after he has served those who came before you.

Friday, January 19, 2007

the week of hate is over

ahhh...it felt good to get that all out.

sometimes things just build up for too long and POW i spew forth hate everywhere.
it can get ugly at times.

oh, and for the few people who have asked about the last letter, no, it's not about anything that happened recently...more like a recollection of the memories over the years of me silently hating the person who would not get the hint to leave.

open letter (day four)

dear idiot who was stupid enough to follow me home,

listen. if you are stupid enough to come back to my place one evening, then you should have the good grace to get the hell out of my place by first light.

so let me enlighten you on some rules.

1. don't linger hoping for food. you saw what was in my refrigerator. what makes you think i'm going to wake up and whip you up pancakes? the best you can hope for is a bagel being tossed to you on your way out. if you wanted a girl to lounge around and cook for you, you should have talked to another girl (as i suggested).

2. if you don't want my number (or e-mail), don't ask me for it. we both know that you are not going to call (or write) so why waste my time writing it out. it just delays you leaving my place.

3. when i say we aren't having sex and that i'm exhausted, what that really means is that we are not having sex and if you fucking think of touching me as i'm trying to sleep my elbow will somehow hit you in the chest. repeatedly.

4. when i ask what you are doing that day, please don't take that as a sign that i'm looking for you to ask me along. i'm hoping that you'll state that you have brunch with friends and need to leave. immediately.

5. it is not cool to stay past 10 (maybe 11 tops). if i have to say "wow. look at the time! i really need to start my day so you need to leave" then you know you've stayed WAY past what is acceptable. if you were gone by 8 that would totally rock my world.

in the future i would recommend that you go home with some other girl.

mixin' vixen

Thursday, January 18, 2007

open letter (day three)

dear shit-for-brains lighting at target,

i get it.
i really do.

target is able to keep their prices lower by cutting back in certain areas, which is why i try to not get too huffy about how the fitting room attendant is getting more and more surly.

but seriously?!?
when i try on a pair of pants that i think are black, i should not get them home only to realize they are brown!!!



please, please try to adjust yourself so that i'm not fooled into getting YET ANOTHER pair of brown pants.

mixin' vixen

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

open letter (day two)

dear shit-for-brains thermostat,

why are there only two settings for you?

why must i freeze one night (wearing every item i own) only to roast the next (in nothing but a tank top and shorts)?

i can't believe i have to say this, but "Hell Frozen Over" and "Hell Itself" are not settings i would recommend.

are you sick?
did someone abuse you and now you turn to rage as a way to compensate?

please, please get some help as the property managers obviously don't care enough about you no matter how many times the tenants ask that you get help.

hoping i move soon,
mixin' vixen

p.s. - i'm close to creating a shrine for my completely useless radiator.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

an open letter

dear transportation shit-for-brains,

when i ask where shall i take the package it would be nice to be told before the courier comes up and i have to interrupt my lunch and run the package around the building.

especially as i sent the request this morning and you are now just responding to me.

i officially hate. you.

mixin' vixen

pride goes before the fall...

slippery floors + no traction on my boots =

(i'm such a pretty girl.)

wednesday is freshmeat's birthday and we (orphan, grammargrrl, and a few others) went out on saturday to celebrate with a mini bar crawl.

just about everything that orphan and i had planned for freshmeat fell through (i bought the wrong paper for the t-shirts we were making. then the pirate beads [it was a pirated themed evening] didn't show up [a tin man costume was sent instead]). luckily we none of the bars we had chosen were closed.

we started at larry's lounge, where they make the most amazing cosmos i've ever tasted. then a walk across the street to lauriol plaza for delicious margaritas (where the RDIs occurred). at this point we said goodbye to most of the people with us and we (orphan, freshmeat, and myself) headed up to one of my favorite bars, millie & al's. one drink (and a car bomb) later, we head over to madam's organ. an hour later and we all make it out alive...and whole.

ahh...good times indeed.

Friday, January 12, 2007

i dared

on the way home from the holidays i did something i've never done before.

i hit "shuffle" on my iPod.

i cringed at the thought of what would come up.
would i remember it fondly (Spice Girls) or would i deny whatever guilty pleasure popped up (Britney)??

i decided to make myself listen to the first 10 songs that came one.

1. Hoobastank - Running Away
ahh...the very first song i heard by them and i knew i would forever be willing to take off my clothes whenever i heard them.

2. Magic Numbers - Love Me Like You
hmmm...this was one of those free iTune's weekly downloads that i get and then promptly forget. not a bad song.

3. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
shut it. all of you. i do like justin and his songs make me happy. so suck it.

4. Green Day - Letterbomb
oh, dear...i just realized i never listed to the rest of this cd when i got it. i automatically went and listened to my favorites. that was bad of me.

5. SR-71 - Lucky
eek! another song i've never heard before. oh, this is not a good sign of what's to come. but i have to say that this is another band i adore...

6. Ingram Hill - Will I ever Make It Home
okay, so i got a zillion free songs from some pepsi promotion over one summer and i got desperate trying to think of songs i wanted. then i panicked. and now i have this song.

7. Train - Drops of Jupiter
meh. not my favorite song of Train...and hearing it again was almost painful.

8. Bear vs Shark - Baraga Embankment
my friend's husband does pr for a lot of heavy metal and rap groups. this group is one of them and he gave me their cd. i actually think they have some good stuff.

9. Everclear - Heartspark Dollarsign
ahhh...from the album that made me fall in love with Everclear and start the breakaway from my up tight upbringing.

10. Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me
this is one of those songs that i listen to on the way to work to prepare me for my day.

so all-in-all not too painful...it was nice to remember that i have a zillion songs on there and i really should more into rotation. but at the same time i don't think i'll repeat the experience any time soon.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

vending machine etiquette

while i'm standing by the machine counting change so i can get my ever-needed snack, it's not cool to come up to me, place a hand on the machine, and stare down my shirt.


i need all my concentration to focus on NOT accidentally hitting the button for the trail mix.

not. cool. at. all.

damn my freakin' carnie feet!!!!

last night FreshMeat and i hit Carbon for their "up to 50% off" sale.

while they don't have the selection that dsw might have, their shoes are gorgeous.

but no matter which shoe i picked up, they didn't have it in my size...my small, carnie size.

it can be a bit depressing looking at pretty shoes and knowing you can even try them on.

sizist bastards.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

everybody loves a good sort out

recently i went through and got rid of every. single. e-mail. i ever received from guys i dated (or who wanted to date me).

in some ways it was fun to relive past memories and think "oh yeah! i forgot that i went out with that idiot." i especially enjoyed the ones that no matter how many times i stated that we shall not date, insisted on trying to get me to go out.

and a few others were bittersweet...but now that they are gone, i no longer accidentally stumble across them and remember afresh those heartaches.

all-in-all, it's a good idea to review one's dating history. if for no other reason for the stories* you can tell your friends.

*such as the time that some guy finally wheedled me into going out with him only for him to tell me that he's started dating some girl.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

how i spent my night
a.k.a. is it possible to be asleep with my eyes open

so last night i attended a workshop that i thought would...increase...my flirting abilities (such as "tilt your head AND THEN lick your lips").

i was sadly mistaken.

it was taught a 25-year old law school student.

here were his suggestions on where to meet men.

1. coffee shops (hmmm...i don't drink coffee or tea. and i don't see myself spending an afternoon downing soda.)

2. Starbucks (uhh...isn't Starbucks a coffee shop???)

3. bookstores (sigh. i go to a bookstore almost every weekend and i never seen anyone approach another person)

4. online dating (are you kidding me?! after the disaster it was last time i DOUBT that it's going to work this time)

overall it was a motivational speech filled with such phrases as "energy out, energy in" and "the universe has abundance."

there was not enough vodka last night.

i should have gone to kbean's to watch Gay, Straight or Taken instead.

Monday, January 08, 2007

apparently i like to sigh...

it's been 5 months since i've had to share the cubicle farm with anyone other than myself. and during that time i developed some habits.

1. i swear at the phone before answering it.

2. i swear (loudly) when i drop things.

3. i sigh. a lot.

i had only noticed the last habit in the last few weeks.

recently a coworker moved down the hall and into the space directly behind me.
her latest game is to count how many times i sigh in a day.

i feel bad for her.


Friday, January 05, 2007

saying goodbye...over and over

it seems lately that i've had to say goodbye to a lot of friends. this week alone i had two farewell events.

what is it about this time of the year that everyone and their mothers are getting new jobs or moving to a new city?

Thursday, January 04, 2007


the scene
three drunk girls outside the really crappy street pizza place in the morgan

middle drunk girl: "LISTEN guys! seriously! i'm really ready for his penis!!

ahhh...only in the morgan do i get to hear such delights as i walk home.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2007...already a successful year

i have made ZERO drunk dials OR drunk texts

i have ONLY two RDIs*

the hot guy at de vinos now recognizes me

*RDI = Random Drunken Injury