things i learned last night (part deux)

1. i'm freakin' HILARIOUS when FreshMeat and I write postcards together while having some wine

2. i shouldn't make plans for the next morning that begin with "so i'll wake up at 5:30..."

3. i shouldn't attempt to make my breakfast for the next day after having more than a few glasses

4. i sleep through the night (though with weird dreams about a one-armed volleyball player and otters with too many legs) when i have some of the drink in me

things i learned last night

(TheVez was kind enough to come over and show me episodes from the first season of the Sopranos [yes, i was a Soprano virgin]).

1. "oh, that can't be good" is my new catch phrase whenever i watch Sopranos

2. i have the musical taste of a 16-year-old girl

3. my corkscrew refuses to cooperate when company is around

4. i need characters to have name tags otherwise i will spend the whole evening asking "who is that?"

5. too much wine and i can't remember how to spell "chartreuse" or how to fold paper into those fortune teller things we used to make as children

Sleep you elusive bitch

i've had varying degrees of insomnia since about high school (the kind where it takes me forever to fall sleep, and the kind where i wake up multiple times during the night). every now and then i hit a rough patch and get very little or no sleep for a few days.

well, i spent last week experiencing a new type of insomnia.

the kind where within the first hour of sleeping i wake up in a panic (heart racing and gasping for air). and twice i woke up screaming.

(apparently that's not normal.)

so the last few nights i've tried sleeping with the tv on.

and while i no longer wake up screaming, i am finding it very difficult to get to sleep and stay asleep.


i think it's time for meds....or heavy drinking.

either one.

please add this to the list of things NOT to do at 4 in the morning

playing the bongos



seriously.

at what point in your drunk mind did you think it would be an AWESOME idea to bust out the bongos and start playing them at 4-MOTHERFUCKING-am?

if you ever pull at stunt like that again, i swear i will shove said bongos up. your. ass.

today's missed connections

this guy's post is pathetic.

and then i saw this guy's post, which is more pathetic.

when i saw this ad, i totally thought someone from work had posted it.

anyway...i hope you all have a lovely thanksgiving!
and see you on friday...

son of a whore

today is my yearly review.

and what do i decide to wear today?

jeans.

sigh.
(in my head i was thinking that this was like a friday and jeans would be okay.)

At least I'm not Dan Wells

so Friday I had ever intention of being a good girl by staying late at work to finish some projects.

but at 3:30 FreshMeat e-mails me that she needs kahlúa like a hooker needs crack. by 5:30 this had evolved into Orphan, FreshMeat, and I hitting my brother's place for a few drinks before heading home. image my surprise at finding it TOTALLY spruced up! the last time i was there they had plastic chairs. now the seating area upstairs has its own bar (not fully stocked when we were there) and tvs everywhere.
and on a random note, the bartender's breasts were out of control!

as we were sipping our drinks this man named Dan Wells comes up to us. he thinks that we are all hot and should come to a party in NE with him where there will be TONS of single guys.

um, yeah.

he then claims to be married with twin boys...oh, and he's sober.

um, yeah.



later on his friend Sarah comes to chat with us and apologizes for her friend and tells us she's been meaning to tell him that he needs to work on his approach. (um, if he's married then why does he need to work on his approach?)

At this point we decide we need to go. Orphan goes home, but (as usual) FreshMeat and I decide that we need to go dancing. So we hit her place first to drink vodka and get into a deep and philosophical discussion about how the island of Lost is really Atlantis.

First we go to Nolan's for overpriced shots and dancing. Then over to Tom Tom for more overpriced drinks and dancing. This is when FreshMeat starts chatting up the dj. At some point carbombs are done (my first!). And I like to blame the vodka for making me think that what i really needed to do at this point was to take a picture of FreshMeat and the dj and send it to a friend (embarrassing moment no. 2,342,769). except that i didn't send the picture. instead i sent some nonsensical message that i had no memory of until the next day when my friend texted me to ask how drunk was i.
sigh.

At some point we decide to leave and head home. I bang my head (again) as I'm leaving FreshMeat's place, apparently stop by McDonald's on the way home, and somehow manage to drag myself out of bed the next morning to meet FreshMeat at 9 for another run to Target.

Yeah, i'm SO pretty.

this week's challenge

what am i to do with this?



it takes up all the space in my frig!

my work world is just black and white...and shades of gray.and sometimes pink.

so a few days ago i was sporting an almost all black outfit (black pants, black satin blazer, black boots, and a gray tank top) as is the norm for most people in the building where i work.

apparently i looked more put-together than i ever have before. i was stopped by several people to tell me how nice i looked. and about half of them tried to get me to admit that i was going for an interview.

no people, it's called i'm-too-lazy-to-do-laundry-at-my-shithole-apartment-building-so-now-i-have-to-bust-out-the-nicer-clothing.



but maybe i should have said i was going for an interview just so i could see the fear in their eyes at the thought of someone having to clean out my veal stall of an office when i'm gone.

shut up and drink!

ahh...sometimes there's nothing better than going some place where the bartender knows your name...saves you a table, and makes sure you get in on the free pizza.

some might see that as an indication of a more serious problem.

i see it as an investment in my social life.


anyways, last night we (RiotGrrl, FreshMeat, Orphan, BasementGirl, TheVez, Curlilocks, and Meggers) all headed to Ella's for delicious drinks and free pizza (complimentary pizza at the bar from 5 to 7).

my favorite quote of the evening was:
"listen, i've known you for years but you've never seen me naked. probably because you've never bought me dinner AND drinks."
(and no, it had NOTHING to do with the THREE Shut Up and Drink! drinks that lovely Mike made for me!)

this weekend's cooking incident

i really feel that i may have to start a series where i attempt to make something and show everyone the disastrous end product.

maybe i can get Taco Bell to sponsor me if i show myself eating some of their food at the end...

so this weekend i attempted to make red cabbage with ginger and balsamic vinegar (as i had a HUGE head of red cabbage thanks to that's week delivery from Washington's Green Grocers). the recipe called for "shredded" red cabbage.

sigh.

no one told me what would happen to your hands when you started cutting into it.



great. so now not only do i have carnie hands, i also smell like cabbage.

Which blogger's cleavage is this?

Guess the cleavage!




here's a hint...i've linked to them on the right...

why do i have a photo of someone's cleavage? maybe because this particular person said that she looked better when shot from above. so i decided to be a bitch and take a photo, from above, of her cleavage.

yes, i am evil.

evil, thy name is Target!

sigh.

so FreshMeat told me all about the delights of a metro-accessible Target attached to a mall that included an Old Navy.

so no more taking the metro and then a bus (that never runs on the weekends or after 8:30 at nights) to the picked-over Target at Potomac Yard.

now it's just four easy stops to Prince George's Plaza and the joys that await one there (though their Old Navy there is beyond ghetto...i've never seen anything like the disaster that is that place).

so i went last saturday as i was in desperate need of a new coat as the one i was wearing is the coat i wear to bars and is missing all its buttons. not so good on those cold winter days.

i walked out of Target after spending over $200!!!

what. the. hell?

but everything i got was NEEDED (and/or cute).

sigh.

did i mention that i'm going back tomorrow?

i need more stuff.

hmmm...it's probably not a good thing that i found a metro-accessible Target.

just call me goldilocks

good news: i can fit into a smaller sized pair of jeans

bad news: muffin top!

i'm a BIG fan of going up a size if it means that your clothes will look better on you. i always pitied those poor idiots out there that insist on squeezing themselves into an article of clothing just because they can say they wear a size 6 even as the roll of fat is emerging from the top of their jeans.

so right before i left for london, i bought a pair of jeans that i knew fit me well around my waist...they were ever-so-slightly large in other areas, but whatev. after a few times of wearing them they stretched out so much i basically needed a rope to secure them around me.

they became unwearable.

so when i went to get another pair of jeans i went for the smaller size...even though i squealed when i saw the muffin top. now i'm praying that these will also stretch out.

seriously, how many pair of jeans does a girl need to own before she finds a pair that fits her.

Reason no. 873 that I need a life

I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night from a nightmare.

What was the nightmare about?

It was about a tiny repeating project at work. I thought I had forgotten ALL about it.


Yeah...I need a life.

a letter to the idiot property managers

Dear Shit for Brains,

I don't know if you noticed, but it's fucking cold outside. And not only at night. During the day it's also a bit chilly.

So I don't understand why you would turn our heat OFF over the weekend.

Did you think we wouldn't notice?
Did you think that perhaps it would warm up enough and that we wouldn't need it?

I spent my entire Sunday bundled up in whatever I could find and went to bed in more layers than I care to repeat here, only to wake up in the middle of the night SWEATING as you had turned the heat on FULL BLAST (I can feel it without having to turn the radiator on).

So here's my tip from me to you: find a way to control the heat so that there's more than just two settings ("HELL" and "HELL FROZEN OVER").

Sincerely,
Tenant Who Pays Too Much for Their Petite Shithole

Cooking Incident of 2006

so i've never been one to cook (unless lean cuisines and frozen pizza counts). but i decided to be adventurous the last few weeks and ACTUALLY make meals that don't come with a peel back lid.

so i attempted to make a tomato-lentil soup. i made sure i had all the ingredients (after spending $40 on spices!). but i realized i made the same mistake that i always make: i never read all the way through the instructions. so when i got to the part where i'm supposed to blend my tomato mixture smooth, i panicked. i have NO BLENDER.

but then i remembered i had a hand blender.

so i pour everything into a huge pot to start blending.

next thing i know i have this orange tomato mixture EVERYWHERE.

all over my walls.
all over my clean dishes.
all over my white shirt.
all over my floor.
all over my arms.
all over my face.

i decided that my tomato mixture didn't need to be smooth and moved on to the next stage of the recipe.


lesson of the day: i'm not meant to cook.

BAH!

lately I've felt SO incredibly overwhelmed at work. there's just a never ending sea of projects that all need to be done right now (at least according to the clients).

my boss finally took one look at me after i left a rather snippy message on a client's voicemail and asked if he needed to take back some of my projects.

on one hand i was THRILLED. on the other, i rarely get to do anything really "fun" and i didn't want to be constantly stuck with the unimaginative projects if he didn't think i was up to the task of handling "real" projects. plus the man is constantly overworked. i really didn't want to add to the stress.

in the end he took a few jobs back and i INSTANTLY felt better.

well, until i got into work today and see that i'm still a jinx to any technology that i come across.

bastards.